pea please bob
Not a heckle as such but involves a putdown. Best I've got right now.

I was in a rather posh eaterie recently with 20 or so people who were all good friends celebrating a birthday - i'm the new bloke here so was feeling slightly awkward but was doing my best to integrate.

one guy clearly fancied himself as the alpha male, huge big bloke with a shaven head. (i'm a short stocky glaswegian) So alpha male is generally a bit pissed and acting up - in front of everyone, out of the blue he suddenly looks me in the eye and goes...

"so Spimf whats it like to suck a dogs cock?"

silence falls across the table

"dunno mate - have you asked your mum?"

(i swear someone gasped in the background)

alpha male leaps up and bellows

"my mum died when i was only seven you bastard!"

"yeah? what happened, choked on a dogs cock did she?"

then in my best attempt at Joe Pesci...

"fuck you ya bald cunt - I'm not buying that. sit down and drink your fucking malibu"

thankfully for me it would seem his mother is alive and well







i think she works at battersea dogs home
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:42, 9 replies)

Typical baldy.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 14:51, closed)

I could hardly piss straight with fear.
Here was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one has a decided imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than him and you'd have to live up a tree.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 15:06, closed)

GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!...

etc...
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 16 Jun 2014, 15:56, closed)

I'm going for a walk.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 16:04, closed)

CHINNY.

FUCKING.

RECKON.

PRICK.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 21:56, closed)

Hard to make sense of these replies
I've got so many arseholes on ignore (no offence) that I'm probably missing large chunks of crap

But then not a single fuck is given
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 16 Jun 2014, 23:53, closed)

you give so many many fucks, you big Nancy crybaby fucks giver

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 13:16, closed)

you got one of them reinforced keyboards
or do you just use your head dobber
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 18 Jun 2014, 14:31, closed)

She does work at Battersea dogs home
She supplies the dogs for the mods
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 17 Jun 2014, 12:53, closed)