Anti-Santa
Ten years ago I was a naive, pretentious, shy student type. Nine years ago I was into drugs, then eight years ago I was a burnt-out unemployed waster, still living in a monumentally dirty student house with a few other dropouts who I'd had a lot of fun with before the cabin fever set in and the drugs stopped working.
It was around this time that one housemate decided that he was going to be a graffiti artist. I wasn't very interested in this new hobby at first, but one day I joked about how funny it would be if he went round spraying pentagrams on the front of churches. Over the next couple of weeks he did just this, usually riding out on his bike to sully the entrances early on a Sunday morning to make sure the parishioners saw his handywork.
My contribution to the project came soon after. Walking back from the shop I noticed a man changing the sign on the front of the local church. The sign was for a youth group called "Urban Hymns" and each week would have a theme along the lines of "God Is A DJ" and the like. The board had no lock and the theme was merely a piece of white paper with 64-point comic sans italic writing. Hm.
The next day the front of the church looked like this:



For some reason nobody at the church noticed this, so it was up there for almost a whole week. Later I would introduce obvious themes like "Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're a cunt" and "God hates you, worms". These were funny in 2001.
The apex of our defilement was probably the alpha course sign which we stole, turned into a horrific Francis Bacon style vision of hell, re-titled "The Alpha Whores" and nailed across the front door at 5am on a Sunday morning.

That morning at about 7 we were playing Beneath A Steel Sky and considering bed when we heard a noise in the kitchen and went to investigate. In there we found a dishevelled old man with a beard in a red jacket muttering about how he was being pursued by some kids. How he got into the house is still a mystery. After we'd kicked him out we arrived back in my room for a last joint and found he'd stolen two phones and several other items of value. It was Anti-Santa himself.
A sober person who didn't smoke so much hash would probably have been able to rationalise the experience, but such a person was not around. A decision was made to stop defiling churches, smoke less hash and try to find jobs. I eventually did this. The graffitist ended up getting committed a couple of years later. I think we've all learned our lessons one way or another.
( Zuowan, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 4:11, 3 replies)

Dude, that's massively fucked up.
Well done. :-D
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 4:24, closed)

Ah, Beneath a Steel Sky
FOSTER: Analyze this, Joey.
JOEY: It's a standard 30mm steel wrench. And you can keep it away from my nuts.
( Grokthought wouldn't pay that for Chinese 5-Spice, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 5:56, closed)

Love this for your God Squad bashing
I doubt you will go to hell though, if there is a God, s/he/it will no doubt find this just as funny as we do.

Fuck the church and their mind controlling ways.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 14 Dec 2008, 9:57, closed)