The Downfall of Adam, Self Proclaimed King of IT
In most of my jobs the IT bods have been pretty decent people, but at one place I worked there was this nasty little gobshite named Adam in charge of IT support who looked like a younger, skinnier version of Lurch.

He was basically a bit of an arsehole – being the most unhelpful, rudest, pompous fucker on the planet Earth. He’d been known to reduce members of staff to tears with his smarmy, ballistic tirades. Bit weird, really, when this fella earned his wage because he knew how to fix all this shit and no one else did. He’d fuck about for ages trying to look importantant, spouting off all this shit about how he possessed the greatest IT mind in the universe, keeping whichever poor fucker it was waiting while he fixed the power converters, sorted the warp drive, fiddled with the flux capacitor – whatever the fuck it was he was doing. He needed an audience. Everyone else just wanted to get on with their job without the computer-thingy breaking down or doing odd bollocks. And Adam had this special way of winding up this audience, what with him having the charm and people skills of roadkill splattered with dogturds. Basically, whenever Adam came into a room you knew you’d have to use all your zen-like powers not to punch the fucker out.

And, to make matters worse, he’d always had it in for me after the time I delivered one of the company laptops back to him in a carrier bag... well... two carrier bags... after an incident involving a reversing Vauxhall Astra and me putting my laptop case down at the wrong moment after being distracted taking a phonecall. Adam never forgave me for that. The phrase “stupid,” used in conjunction with the word “cunt,” was banded about for a while. He went crying to management about that, suggesting I pay for a new one (just not the done thing). But Adam was always going to management about something or other – telling tales on people who’d been violating company internet policy, people who’d changed their desktop to a photo of their wife and kids, an endless list of petty bollocks that most normal IT people would let slide.

But Adam was a jobsworth cunt.

So, one Christmas Eve my mate Dave and I came up with a plan. The plan to knock Adam off his shiny fucking pedestal of Microsoft-inspired cuntdom. Fueled by the stongest coffee known to humankind (this stuff was basically black sludge you could stand a pencil up in), we systematically went round the office and did a spot of petty sabotage. Being on the early shift it was only the two of us in; we had an hour and had to work fast.

Roll on nine AM. All the others start turning up, wanting desperately to get home. And when they went to switch their terminals on they realised something wonderful – they wouldn’t work. None of them. Neither would the photocopier, the fax machine – even the kettle and microwave in the kitchen were absolutely fucked.

The MD was going into apeshit mode and Adam was called forth from his grotty little store cupboard. He ponced about like a superhero about to do a great deed, then he went over to the first PC – nothing. Then the second – nothing. And so on. By the time he got round to the seventh terminal he was starting to panic a bit.

“Must be an electrical storm,” he mumbled. The MD pointed out that the lights were working and so were the phones. Eventually the rest of us IT-illiterate tosspots were allowed to go home and start Christmas a littler earlier than normal – we couldn’t do any work. Leaving Adam to pull what little was left of his hair out. The self proclaimed King of IT was stumped. It was a real Kodak moment.

Once we got outside, my mate Dave and I stopped off at the rubbish bin and dumped the pocketfuls of fuses we’d removed from all the plugs, then we went to the pub for a double baileys (just to get into the Christmas spirit). And the best part was we knew, we just fucking KNEW that when Adam finally realised what'd happened, he'd be too fucking proud and embarrased to tell anyone in management.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 16:07, 4 replies)

Click
I hate the self-important IT sorts - make the rest of um look bad. love the bit about dog turd roadkill. wonderful.
(Accounts Dracula, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 17:17, closed)

Daily Bane
i see many of his type daily....Awesome way to deal with the prick :)
(Digital Pimp, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 20:05, closed)

"telling tales on people who’d been violating company internet policy"
You don't go telling tales! You save the evidence for later blackmail!
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 26 Sep 2009, 0:23, closed)

Brill...
*Hatches a plan to perform a hilarious practical joke on her colleagues* CLICK!
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 19:26, closed)