WAR! – (Hurrgh!) – What is it good for?...

In my youth I used to work for Army intelligence, Based at Port Stanley just after the Falklands War. I was one of the lucky ones, sent to help mop the mess and conduct some additional recon of the area.

After the clean-up op and the threat level had been evaluated, I was assigned to be a drone helping assist the weapons development team. Whilst I was there I was fortunate enough to bear witness to some highly advanced, controversial and incredibly experimental work – One of which I will never forget – and it is something that constantly reminds me that the finest computers still reside within our own minds.

The Army were trying to develop a highly atuned sensory recognition system that initially could warn and aid the islanders in times of future crisis, but the capacity with which the project grew was exponentially greater than anything we could have anticipated.

We started off by setting up a sensor array following the signals given off by impending vessels. However, we could soon tune it to such a degree that we could even monitor the optic synapses of a ships crew. Essentially our scopes could track a possible invasion by the unique signatures given off by the soldiers’ eye movements – even miles off shore.

We had our early warning system in place but the optical recognition breakthrough led us to further developments. We experimented with different expressions to detect different responses for possible automated mechanisms. For my sins, the system seemed to respond to my movements more than other members of the team and I was chosen as a test subject. We set up a base off shore for further progress and we set up special ground based communications units to monitor and react to different warnings.

It was a boring and thankless job. However, one night, when I remember the sea was calmer than normal, I was in my usual position on the floating base with the spray gently lashing against my face. And as usual, I was told to simply ‘stare out towards the shore’ while the clever folk tinkered with scopes. Not realising the potential of what I was participating in I stared out glumly.

Yet this time something was different...

Incredibly, we could hear machines spring to life, and data being recorded around me to show that my retinas were being recognised. It was truly a sight to behold and an experience I could not believe that I was part of. As I stood, staring into the distance I was given different instructions on how to look so that the automated defence system could respond in different ways.

“Look angry!” The Team commanding officer shouted. I fixed a glare and was informed over the radio that the warning gun turrets had sprung into place. Success!

More tests were required…

“Look friendly” the CO barked his instructions ferociously. I smiled coyly, my eyes veritably twinkled and lo and behold, we were soon informed that the status of the on-shore weaponry had switched to ‘offline’.

Although we were collectively dumbfounded at what we had achieved, I have no excuse for what I did next. Perhaps the elation of success clouded my judgment, but I’m afraid to say I had a rather mischievous idea.

I thought: ‘What happens if I try to look sexy?’

The next moment I fixed a smouldering glance towards the shore…squinting just a little and giving the most suggestive look I could muster. ‘What do you make of that?’ I thought to myself, fixing the whole Falklands with a saucy ‘come-to-bed’ grin.

Next thing I knew – the system had gone totally batshit mental! – Lights flashing, alarms buzzing and complete pandemonium breaking out all over the place! To our disbelief, we were quickly informed that the entire Island was splitting in two! – The Port was detaching itself from the remainder of the island and was heading for our base!

We were all gripped with panic. “Look away!....LOOK AWAY!” The CO ordered – the strain in his voice noticeably different from his regular unflappable tone. I immediately looked directly at the floor and almost straight away could feel the vibrations subsiding. I was later informed that the land mass had slowly moved back and rejoined with the rest of the island.

This, of course, was an astonishing breakthrough far beyond anything we could comprehend. The ramifications were biblical – It was as if the entire ground could respond to the cognitive signals sent from my thoughts and expressions. I was immediately confined to a lab and a whole specialist crew was set up for further testing into this miraculous discovery. I was there for five years and I'll never forget the time I spent working in the ‘Eye tease a port’ department. Bit of a strange name for it if you ask me, but that's the army for you.

So now then, gentle reader, I can only apologise if you consider that this post has been a total waste of your time…but my experience has led me to believe that anything is possible…




…if you’re bored enough.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:21, 6 replies)

no no no no no no no

( rofl harris, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:25, closed)

there's no limit

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 23:49, closed)

You arse sir!
I thought it was a film reference. Can I have my 5 mins back please.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:28, closed)

4/10
Good effort, some thought has gone into it, poorly executed.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:44, closed)

Fucking awful
I had you at the start. Poo
(Ed Quarters has moved house!, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 13:58, closed)

I had you when I realised that such thing could never be invented...!
Still get a click though, as I wasn't sure...
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Mon 28 Sep 2009, 15:35, closed)