Horizontal and Vertical - Kebabs
You know the story. Out with the girlfriend, piling as much alcohol down her neck so there will be few complaints later on when you 'suggest' something deviant. Pub / Club and or Casino and the peckish plimsols are making their unsteady way to the nearest kebab shop, with you inside them and the gf on your arm.
Large donners all round please. Yes, of course I want fucking chilli sauce, but not for the lady, she's not really used to it.
Gobble, munch and chew our way through lamb bollocks and mechanically recovered spinal tissues and make our merry way home.
Straight to bed me thinks as she's more fruity than a skip load of ribenna lemmings.
Fumble around for a few mins and she's loving it with sutable 'Oos' and 'Ahs' in the right place. Suddenly she goes stiff and 'clamps up' with my hand stuck in the velvet underground.
'Did you wash your hands before you came to bed?' She queried.
'Yes, of course I did' fumble-on for 2 mins or so, followed by my hand being removed and her running to the loo shouting 'you bastard, you didn't wash your hands after that kebab and now I've got chilli on my twat'.

A few other swear words when she came out of the loo but no more vertical kebab for me that night.

To be honest I don't remember if I did wash my hands but I would have licked them a lot. Thank god I didn't go down on her!
(Suck it and Sea, Mon 20 Jun 2011, 18:26, 4 replies)

"more fruity than a skip load of ribenna lemmings"
for that you get half a click.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 19:58, closed)

I agree, on the ribenna lemmings.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 21:11, closed)

the rest is just...
derivative, predictable, tedious?
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 20 Jun 2011, 21:15, closed)

Oh no
Not this one again
(Kakistos, Tue 21 Jun 2011, 10:40, closed)