Booze, Beads and 1 girl in need of a cup
Many years ago when I was attending one of Glasgow's fine educational institutions I had the pleasure of sharing a flat with the president of the student union (among others) for a summer. For the most part it was an unremarkable relationship, to the point that I can't actually remember his name.
However one weekend his 16 year old brother came to stay for a weekend. Being the nice friendly chaps that we were we decided to take him out for a few beverages. So after many a knockback we inevitably ended up at Glasgow's (not so) finest nightspot - the garage as they were the only ones prepared to accept his dodgy fake ID.
After much fun and drinking and dancing about like morons we noticed that Jock (not his real name I thought I'd just chuck in some casual racism) was nowhere to be seen. We hunted high and low until the club closed, then up and down suachiehall street for hours after. Had called police, hospitals everything. My flatmate is going out of his mind. Shitting himself and with the sun coming up (behind clouds, this is Glasgow) we returned home for about the 5th time to find young Jock on the doorstep with a look of terror on his face. After getting him inside and me sparking a doobie he proceeded to tell us this tale.
"Do you remember that bird I was dancing with? Well she invited me back to hers. When I got back she pounced on me dragged me straight to bed. Anyway I was just getting into it when she opened her bedside table and pulled out a string of beads and started feeding them up my arse!"
At this point we interrupt to ask why he had let her violate him in such a manner to which he speepishly replied that it was his first time and he didn't want her to stop taking his young cherry if he refused the bum-beads.
So he continued.
"Right so like a minute later I start coming and when I do she rips the beads out of my arse and I shat myself. I looked around to see the mess I had made and when I looked back she was rubbing handfuls of my shit into her tits"
*I have by this stage lost and semblance of sympathy and am on the verge of doing myself a serious injury through laughter*
"Next she jumped up and asked was I coming for a shower,so I had to have a shower with her then she came back in and whipped the RUBBER sheets off the bed, stuck on some clean cotton ones and climbed in inviting me in with her. I didn't know where the fuck I was or how to get home so I had to lie awake next to her till the sun came up and I could go outside and flag a taxi."

He arrived in Glasgow as a cocky young boy and left a broken dishevelled wanksock of a man

Now, everyone, imagine that is what happened to you when you lost your virginity.
I bet it was a fucking long time before he accepted an invitation "back to mine" from a bird in a club.

Sorry it was so long, but I hope you get the years of enjoyment out of that story that I continue to have.
(Figmaus, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 15:12, 13 replies)

internet liez
A friend of mine once told me the exact same story about something that happened to 'a friend of a friend'. Urban myth. AICMFP.
(mersault, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 15:45, closed)

Ah well I took a punt.
I heard it from a flatmate who said he'd lived in said flat the year before he shared with me.

I only retold it putting myself in the flat because I didn't want to go down the "friend of a friend" route so that people wouldn't think my story was a lie (being under the impression, as I was, that it was authentic).

Perhaps I should retell the tale starting with "I had a horrible flatmate years ago who told me lies about this guy who, blah, blah, blah, poo-tits"

I'm a little upset as I've had some good times retelling that tale down the boozer on the odd occasion and now it's been cruelly taken from me. (sniff)

Ah well, sorry for the inadvertent untruth.
Your five pounds will be dispatched in due course.
(Figmaus, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 16:09, closed)

Nae bother.
There's all manner of urban myths on these here hallowed pages, and you told it well.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 16:28, closed)

it was told well
extra marks for poo-tits
(mersault, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 17:04, closed)

Noooooo
I want this to be true
( rofl harris, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 17:00, closed)

It might well be
just a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 17:06, closed)

It may well be
I was told it about 12 years ago before urban myths were invented and after the demise of the old wives tale. Perhaps in this tiny window of honesty I was party to a first hand account of an actual event.

No?

Ok, I guess not.
(Figmaus, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 17:11, closed)

I shouldn;t worry about it
I'm sure a fair few of the stories we see here are 2nd hand, or urban myths.

It's almost expected. Nobody beleives the true ones either.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 17:17, closed)

The Legend of Poo-tits strikes again!

( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 11 Jan 2011, 15:45, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/post82568
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 15:47, closed)

Curses! Beaten to it.

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 16:03, closed)

Ahhh
I knew it was supposed to be handkerchief!
( Regger, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 12:32, closed)

Heard it before.
In the version I heard, he pissed the shit off her tits.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 11 Jan 2011, 15:48, closed)