Fatto's bum-cactus porn
I've regaled various parts of the legend of Fatto on other QOTWs, and I shan't pearoast here, but the tale of shit night and here's an account of her peculiar idea of harassment. To summarise, this girl was terrifyingly psychotic and quite possibly the largest human being I've ever seen.

While we lived in this house of horrors, our male friends slowly stopped coming round. You see, Fatto was dangerously horny. I don't know how she did it, but there was a different man in her bed every night. The sex was loud and disturbing. Sometimes I hear it echoing through my mind. I suspect this frequent shaggage was at least in part due to her coming on to anything with a penis.

To Shit Chris, a sweet, angelic boy who stood at five foot four: "You're a murderer's dream".

To Neil: "You're not my type, but I want you anyway." Neil declared the experience "Like a comet hurtling towards me."

Yet these are fairly normal, as these gentlemen were able to run away screaming.

Big Chris wasn't so lucky. Big Chris is perhaps the nicest man I have ever met. One night, he crashed at our house. We all went to bed, settling him down in the living room. Next day, he was gone and we didn't hear from him in months.

Then the whole story came out. He told it with pain burning behind his eyes.

"Let's fuck," said our portly pal.

"Er, you're very nice, but I've got a girlfriend," said Big Chris, kindly.

"So, I've got a boyfriend..." (she did; he looked exactly like Tory Boy from Harry Enfield.

...a pregnant pause. And she continued. "Well, how about we just watch each other get off?"

"No thank you," replied Big Chris. Too kind, son, too kind.

"Let me show you what turns me on," she said.

At this juncture, anyone else would have probably thrown themselves out of the window, or at least started to cry. Not Big Chris. Such a polite lad, he did nothing as she grabbed a laptop (not hers, I might add) and began to pull up an array of horrific porn.

I have been told there were cactuses being inserted into ladies' bottoms. This was not extreme enough for our chubby chum. Next came the knives in bums. All was accompanied by commentary on how much she liked it.

Big Chris was unable to complete the story, so I do not know what happened next. All I know is that he never came to visit ever again.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 0:42, 4 replies)

Have you got her mobile no?
Sounds like just my type.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 14:09, closed)

That's disgusting..
...women doing this sort of thing

Now let me just ease this cactus out of my jacksie...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:24, closed)

sounds horrific
... also it's cacti for the plural.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 12:14, closed)

I've just read the previous...
And thought I'd see if there were any more horror stories about her, so I googled her name.

Turns out there's a porn star with the same name, but no mention of cacti!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 11:44, closed)