The Tale of Luther
The glory of break time was upon us once again and the senior kids piled into the school canteen in their droves. There was a curious tradition at my school where only the kids in their final year were allowed in at small break. This afforded us the status we so obviously deserved, but it also provided a platform for some debating, the odd music show and the occasional rant from one the more demented lads. During a lull in proceedings a freakishly large boy called Bradley climbed onto a table to announce that he had a ground breaking bit of news. It was so amazing that he wouldn't tell it to us until absolute silence was observed.
The next minute or so was spent with everyone telling each other to shut up until we reached a point where the 'shhhs' and shouts of 'shut up!' actually exceeded the original decibel level. Growing impatient Bradley eventually shouted, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!". That seemed to work rather well and a hush descended over the room.

'Right lads', he began 'I've just been to the toilet and while I was looking for an empty bog I happened to look over one of the doors and saw something very interesting'.

It should be noted at this point that the toilets at my high school were exceptionally small. We ranged in age from 13 - 21 (school ended at 18 normally, but some thick ones managed to drag it out) and they had obviously decided to accommodate for the 13 year olds and buy the smallest toilets they could. I was somewhere close to 6ft and I my legs were somewhere round my ears when I was going about my business. Central to this story is the fact that the doors were equally small and could quite easily be peered over when walking past which is what Bradley had done.

'Who wants to hear about it?' continued Bradley. This being an all boys school it was met with the usual chorus of replies like, 'Your mother fucks for bus fare and still walks home', 'Shut up you knob' and 'Hey Bradley, you were born out of your mothers arse cos her cunt was too busy'. Nevertheless Bradley had obviously decided that these comments still counted as a yes vote and pressed ahead.
'I've just spotted Luther(name changed for obvious reason, but trust me this is an improvement) with a porn mag on his lap having a wank in the toilets'.

Well, you can imagine that all hell broke loose. The year was 1995 which was one year after the birth of the new South Africa, but trust we were far more excited about this. It was however the start of a living hell for Luther. He was hounded at every turn. By his classmates, by every other kid in the school and this golden nugget of information was even gifted to all the teachers. There wasn't a person in the buildings of 700 strong who didn't know. Shit, I even think the groundsman knew.

The situation became so tenuous for him that he resorted to seeking help from the vice-principal. This help came in the form of a speech that he gave to the whole school during morning assembly where he talked about "our natural urges" and then proceeded to describe how all children, even him, had these urges during adolescence and that "we all, at one time or another, act on these urges".

This pep talk did nothing but exasperate the situation for poor Luther and his new name for a short time was 'Natural Urge', however we soon reverted back to our favourite of plain old Wanker.

The final straw for Wanker came in our special prefects assembly one day. This was a gathering of pupils and prefects only and no teachers were allowed. It was a jovial affair where awards for the coolest walk (given to a guy who had a motorcycle accident and had smashed his leg up), Best haircut (given to Dick Head whose mum had obviously just placed a salad bowl on his head and traced the edges religiously to form the most perfect bowl haircut you had ever seen. His real name was Richard, but Dick Head seemed more fitting) and smartest pupil (given to someone who's parents who obviously too poor to buy him a smart new blazer every year). As I said before, this was a jovial affair. At the end of assembly they announced they had a special award that had never been given out before and probably never would again. With great fanfare and much hype it was announced that this would be given to Luther. And the name of this award? Why the "Wankers Award" of course!

Luther stood up in a rage and yelled some profanities along the lines of 'You don't understand. You're all cunts. ALL OF YOU!!!!'. And that was the last day he ever set foot in that school. He left for pastures new.

The hypocrisy of the whole situation was that we were all little wankers. Yes, we did have urges and I bet everyone in that school produced enough semen in a week to fill an entire Olympic Swimming pool. Wankers, the lot of us!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 21 Feb 2009, 13:10, Reply)