ArseCam
So...I’m lying there with a camera up my arse. The nurse has said "just make yourself comfortable". My reply of "Are you fucking having a laugh?!" has met with much polite laughter (a tip; always be nice to nurse when in for any hospital procedures; they are the ones who have the power to make the uncomfortable feel bearable. Or agonising, depending on their whims). And were it not for the enema I’ve had earlier that morning, I would be shitting myself.

The camera itself doesn’t hurt, despite them shoving it a metre inside of me (a fact I shall be raising the next time I’m begging Mrs Light for anal...). What DOES hurt is the compressed air they’re pumping in their in order to have a good look around. I mean, as if what’s happening isn’t undignified enough without it being punctuated with my mouth saying"Oh GOD jesus fucking christ that hurts....aaaAAAAAAAAAAwwww..." whilst my arse is saying "FFFFTTHHSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPFWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB".

Anyway, I can see onscreen what the camera can see. And there it is; what looks to be a massive yellowy-white growth in my shitpipe. (I later discover it’s only a few mm big; apparently the display screen is highly magnified). "Ah" says the nurse, "looks like you have a small tumour Mr Light. Wouldn’t worry about it though; it looks benign (it was), but just to be sure, we’ll biopsy it and then burn it off."

Ah, okay that’s...hang on. Did you say "burn"? Have I got this right? As well as jamming a tube a metre up my fudge tunnel, you’re now going to stick an electrode up there and melt a piece off of my bowel!? For fucks sake woman! That’s not too far away from how they killed Edward II!

"Just relax and...." ZAP! "There we go; got rid of it; see". And I could indeed see on the screen that what I’d come to think of as the sightless, milky eye up my tradesmans had been replaced by a smoking black crater. As the pain kicked in later that day, I found myself wondering whether it was an improvement or not...

So then; I had one more hospital visit. During this I was be put under general anaesthetic whilst a camera was stuck even further up my arse (I’m told they went several metres in). Happily, due to having spent the 3 days before the op in Amsterdam, I was sanguine about this and failed to be as terrified as I should have been. Although prior to the op, I drank some sort of chemical which, according to the nurse, would give me "the explosive shits for 24 hours; we need to clean you out before the procedure". She was not wrong.

Illness sucks.
(Light, Mon 17 Jul 2006, 15:40, Reply)