The Chop
So I said to Rob, ‘Would you like to have your head cut off?’
He looked at me and blinked. ‘What did you say?
I sighed. ‘Would you like to have your head cut off? Be decapitated. Beheaded!
He smiled uneasily. ‘Not… really?’
‘Why not?’
‘Won’t I die?’
‘Not necessarily. Oh go on, Rob - come and have your head chopped off! It’s fun!
He looked uncertain. ‘Won’t it hurt?’
‘I have to admit, it will sting a bit. But not for long.’
He sat back in his chair, considering. ‘Well…’
‘I had it done and I’m okay,’ I lied cheerfully. ‘It’s mint fun!’
‘Is it?’
‘It is! Come on, Rob. Let’s go and get your head chopped off! It’ll be a great laugh!’
‘Well… okay then.’
‘Right.’ I stood up. ‘Come with me to the basement.’
He followed me to the lift and down we went. I tried not to smirk too hard. Only one of us would be coming back up.
The low-ceilinged basement smelt of oil and was strewn with junk - old radiators, shopping trolleys, boxes of this and that. At one end the guillotine had been set up, and either side of it stood the executioners.
‘Alright chaps?’ I called as we approached.
‘Alright,’ they responded. ‘Alright.’
We stopped in front of the guillotine. Rob’s face looked pale and sweaty in the grubby yellow fluorescent light.
‘Right, what you do, is put your neck on there -’ I pointed ‘- then the blade comes down, chops your head off, and it drops into that basket there.’
Rob gazed at the basket, blinked, and swallowed.
‘Come on, get on with it, I’ve got a meeting in five!’
Rob gulped. ‘I - I think I’ve changed my mind.’
‘What, are you scared? Chicken! Yellow chicken!’
The two executioners made derisive chicken movements with their arms. ‘Buuuk buk-buk-buk buuuuuk!’
Rob shuffled hesitantly forwards.
I gave him a shove. ‘Right, the only question now is, do you lie face up so you can see the blade coming, or face down so you don’t? Up to you.’
‘Face - face down,’ he gurgled.
‘Okey doke.’ I helped him into position and locked the lunette in place.
I stepped back. ‘Okay lads!’
The blade descended with an efficient, oiled swish and landed with a satisfying thunk. Rob’s head dropped into the basket, making it wobble slightly.
I bent down and picked up the head by the ears. It was surprisingly heavy. I gazed into the now-lifeless eyes, to be met by his habitual confused, bemused expression. He looked in death exactly as he did in life.
I spat into his dead face. ‘You stupid fucking cunt.’ Then I drop-kicked the bonce into a far corner of the basement.
I dusted my hands together. ‘Right, lads, you know what to do. Into the mincer wth the remains. Pint later?
‘Yeah,’ replied the executioners. ‘Sounds good.’
‘Laters, then.’
I walked back to the lift and was in time for my meeting.
(Doktor SKAGRA, Sun 9 Mar 2025, 17:43, 12 replies, latest was 1 week ago)

alright

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Sun 9 Mar 2025, 17:48, Reply)

Oooaaahh
Yar sweeetie xxx
(Doktor SKAGRA, Sun 9 Mar 2025, 17:55, Reply)

tl;dr

( Cheers Cheers, Sun 9 Mar 2025, 18:57, Reply)

So happy
SO happeeee
(Doktor SKAGRA, Sun 9 Mar 2025, 19:35, Reply)

Hi Dekion

( Cheers Cheers, Mon 10 Mar 2025, 14:14, Reply)

Hi Misery McUglywife

(Doktor SKAGRA, Mon 10 Mar 2025, 17:38, Reply)

Hi Dr Shambolic

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Mon 10 Mar 2025, 19:44, Reply)

Hi Legless

(Doktor SKAGRA, Mon 10 Mar 2025, 20:24, Reply)

TOO SOON

SOON LATE
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 11 Mar 2025, 7:59, Reply)

Hi frankspencer

(Doktor SKAGRA, Tue 11 Mar 2025, 17:10, Reply)

Hi SpankyHanky

(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 12 Mar 2025, 18:34, Reply)

Hi Ken Oath

(Doktor SKAGRA, Fri 14 Mar 2025, 21:20, Reply)