Hellish journey to an interview...
I recently went by train to a job interview for a school IT tech, and thought I’d take my three year old daughter, Jennifer, along. You know, show them I was good with kids, etc. She was very good on the journey there, to a point. At first she just sat on my knee eating biscuits while I read my book. I was just trying to remain calm before the job interview. Until she started screaming and yelling -rolling around on the floor jerking - like she was having a fit or something - then she growled "SATAN COMMANDS ME NOW" in a really low, deep voice. Show off! Some people came to help, but she kind of sprouted these 'wing' things, vomited blood all down the train carriage - and even though she was throwing up all this blood and bile, she seemed to actually GROW, until she was bigger than me, even. She also turned a sort of reddy-purple colour.

This one woman, who was sitting opposite, turned into a real bitch at this point. She said something like "Oh my GOD what's happening to her" - like, really hysterically - and it must have scared Jennifer, because she swiped out with her hand towards this woman's face. I've never seen anything like it - she tore this woman's face RIGHT OFF, and cut her throat - Jennifer had these fingernails like steak-knives for some reason. Anyway, serves this woman right - shouting at a little girl like that.

But the other people on the train started to panic now - there was Jennifer’s vomit-blood splashing around, and this woman lying on the floor screaming from this hole where her mouth used to be - pumping out blood from everywhere and gurgling. You can tell she was in immense amounts of pain, because she was really twitching violently - thrashing around and making a hell of a racket. Women, eh?

So the other commuters are screaming and clambering over each other - all making loads of noise, when Jennifer does this high pitched scream thing (you know, like she does) which drowns out all the other noise in the train - and makes several of the windows shatter. And as she keeps on screaming - this 'thing' starts opening up in the middle of the carriage - like a disk with shimmering edges getting bigger and bigger as Jennifer continues to scream. In this disk - its like it's a TV screen you can see through AND in - there's fire and smoke and these black and red swirling shapes in it - and then I realise it's a hole in reality.

I don't know...one minute she's eating biscuits, then next thing she's breaking down Einstienian physics, creating a trans-dimensional vortex into the very lungs of hell itself. You can tell she's MY daughter!

SO - I look round after seeing this demonic portal power itself into existence, and Jennifer's stopped screaming. She's massive now, towering above me and seeming to be even bigger than the train we were in. She's looking pretty cool, actually, all wings and horns and bulging black veins under red skin. And then she starts firing these things like death-ray energy-beams from her mouth - they looked like a cross between fire and lightning, and they crackled with power and energy. She did this unearthly bellow and these bolts of light and energy erupted from her mouth. She must have done this a few dozen times, launched these fiery 'power-rays' from her mouth, launching them at other people in the train. And the weird thing is - whoever these death-rays hit (you'll see why I call them that now), the people they hit sort of exploded and disintegrated at the same time with this horrific screaming noise. All that was left after they had exploded/disintegrated was this white shadow where their body used to be, which then got sucked into this rotating portal that Jennifer had screamed into existence just seconds before. The vortex pulsated every time one of these 'light shadows' went through it.

Once everyone in the carriage had been destroyed, and all their "white shadows" (I'm not sure if they were ghosts, or souls) had been pulled into the hellgate, Jennifer (or what was once Jennifer) tilted her head back, and roared in triumph. All this light started pouring out of her, like she was on fire from within. I though she was going to explode, but she kind of folded into herself, condensing down until she was a floating fireball, about the size of a burning tennis ball, and floated into and through this pan-dimension hell tunnel, which then closed in on itself after her.

I looked around - and there was nothing. The dead woman on the floor was gone - even the windows that had been blown out were back in place and intact. Everything was calm - I was the only one left in the carriage and there was no sign of any chaos at all. And no sign of Jennifer. And luckily we were just pulling in to Wimbledon.

So I got out and went to the school and told then that my daughter had turned into the Prince of Darkness, the Bringer of All Evil. I told them what happened on the train, and how she had harvested the souls of all the other passengers and spared mine, but they slammed the door on my face and said something about calling the police.

Then I realised - I was STILL wearing my Jimmy Saville mask from the fancy dress party the night before!!!
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 21 Nov 2013, 13:56, 5 replies)

What sort of idiot takes their kid along to a job interview?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 21 Nov 2013, 14:02, closed)

Me.
The missus was working and couldn't get time off since it was school holidays.
Between making my kid come with me to an interview (a situation I had appraised the interviewers of and been told it was ok and that they were all about being family friendly) and making her accompany her mum to look after old people with dementia in their own homes (which is probably a sackable offence for the missus) I chose the former.
The interview went really well, they offered me the job, my daughter sat quietly and patiently reading her book as we conducted the interview (to the point that both of the interviewers complemented her behaviour) and then they told me they wanted me to start immediately (school hols remember) and that they wanted me for a 38 hr. week. Despite the fact that the newspaper and online ads had stipulated an 18 hr. week with flexible hours.

She said to me afterwards - "Wow Dad, you were really polite to them since you seemed so annoyed."
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 6:30, closed)

But what happened to your book, eh?
And did she finish the biscuits?
This story is full of holes.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 21 Nov 2013, 14:06, closed)

Holier than a Surinam Toad's back...
...that has been blessed by god herself.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 21 Nov 2013, 14:20, closed)

Those biscuits must have had all kinds of E numbers in them.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 22 Nov 2013, 13:51, closed)