'Ya Big Jobby!
Not quite an oven-cooked legume.

A number of years ago [insert wavy lines here] I was 2IC (second-in-charge) in a busy industrial kitchen/factory. Due to the fact that the cook's first language wasn't English and his general inability to be easily understood, the companies' owner had placed me in charge of hiring and firing in the kitchen-factory area. As such I had to often stop working to conduct interviews - particularly at certain times of the year as the products we cooked and packaged were mainly of a seasonal nature.

The interviews themselves weren't exactly rocket surgery, then again the jobs weren't exactly brain science either - I had to be sure that the "candidates" were capable of basic mathematics, which was needed in the packing room whilst making up and packing orders, that they could at least read an order slip, that they were capable of continued repetitive manual labour, that they could work safely around a busy kitchen and all of it's hazards and that they would at very least be able to work within a team.

Hard to fuck up you might think....

Some of my favourite moments -
The (moderately) pretty young woman who upon finding out that we had to wear hairnets, a onesy overalls, gloves and gumboots (since we were handling and packaging food) promptly got up and walked out exclaiming that the outfit just wouldn't go with her "look".

The young gent I heard in the dunnies prior to our interview, performing the unmistakeable Zen koan of "One Hand Fapping" and then leaving the toilets, hands unwashed who then moments later tried to shake my hand. Apparently it was motivated by the scene in "Something About Mary". I didn't check to see if I needed any hairgel. I've got no issues with a bit of tension release but doing it in the dunnies of your prospective employer and then not washing your hands ain't such a good look.

There was the idealistic young lass who told me she couldn't work in the kitchen because she was a vegan and lactose intolerant (a few products we made were pate, cheeses and dips). I suggested that she could work in the packaging area where the products were sealed (there were only 2 of us who cooked really anyway), the gloves & overalls would protect her from coming into contact with any food and that there was no expectations that she eat anything we made.
She then went onto give me a diatribe about how we were contributing to animal cruelty since we allowed our suppliers to force-feed geese to cause their livers to become enlarged. I pointed out (as patiently as I could) that we bought hundreds of kg's of chicken livers off the local chicken slaughterhouse. Livers that were usually sold cheaply as offal. Out of chickens that had been raised and killed to provide the local KFC with it's ability to sell bucket loads of greasy shit.
She didn't work out.

There was the red-eyed, reeking of pot-smoke young fella who said he couldn't read. I explained that this wasn't too much of a problem as long as he could pick the numbers off the order slip and check them as he packed an order - which he stated he could. When I politely told him we'd be in touch (a gentle NO, THE JOB IS NOT YOURS) he proceeded to accuse me of discriminating against him due to his 'dielexia'. At which point I quietly suggested to him that coming to an interview, even for a shitty manual labour job, stoned out of your fucking gourd probably wasn't the smartest move.
Pity really because I still smoked back then and I reckon he could've scored me some preemo gear!

I think the saddest was the older gent who came in very smartly (and over) dressed, interviewed amazingly and got the job. The following day he turned up and was clearly having difficulty using the sealing machines. On inspection I found his hands gnarled and arthritic. It seems he'd been made redundant from his last job and they'd screwed him out of his "lifetime" medical insurance in the severance package, his missus was also old and infirm and he was a couple of years away from pension age. When I asked him what he did - a CPA. Happily the boss needed someone to do the books every month and he got a nice rate that didn't show up on any bank statements. So silver linings and all that.

Let's not forget my nepotistic step-father-in-law who expected me to get him a job at my "level" and pay grade. I was very clear with him that he was there on his own cognisance and merits and that he would be treated as such. Two days later I told him I'd call him when we needed him next - an easy way for employers to get rid of casual staff. Having known the man for over a decade you'd think I'd have realised that he was as useless as a fart in a spacesuit.

There were the numerous people who would come in and interview just to tell me at the last minute at the end of said interview that they couldn't do the job due to an injury, ongoing illness, the fact that they couldn't work outside of school hours or that due to their beliefs/isms they would only be able to perform very small parts of the job expected of them.
When asked why they had bothered to turn up their response was 1 and the same - to meet the needs stipulated every fortnight in order to continue to receive their Newstart Allowance. And they were the ones who rang up, arranged a time for an interview and bothered to turn up.
Fuck You Centrelink for putting people in such a shitty situation and wasting hours of my time interviewing them.

TL;DR: I regularly interviewed many people for a shitty job and was an intolerant cunt when it came to dealing with time-wasting fuckwits.

No email accounts were hacked in the interviewing of any of the above candidates.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 1:21, 13 replies)

companies'
Bless, you did try. Apostrophe and evrything.
( Ghoti Fingers, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 8:01, closed)

"evrything"
Sucks to be infallible.
Right?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 8:23, closed)

Typo, innit.

( Ghoti Fingers, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 8:33, closed)

You and I,
not so dissimilar it would seem.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 9:01, closed)

Companies' is an easy typo for company's
Replacing one letter with two different ones then moving a punctuation mark. Easy slip of the fingers when typing.
( Ghoti Fingers, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 9:07, closed)

Exacting grammar and spelling expectations.
You haz 'em.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 9:35, closed)

I love the way you use "2IC" - then go on to explain its meaning.
And then never use the term again.
( Muns, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 21:03, closed)

If you have a look at the link I provided
you'll note someone asking what it meant.
That's why I explained it. I would think I only had to do that once.
I'm starting to wonder now.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 24 Nov 2013, 21:19, closed)

Why the fuck would I read your post only to then click on the link and read it again?
Why don't you just edit the fucking thing so you don't come across as a total spastic? I doubt anyone clicks on your links or gives a fuck about where you previously posted the fucking thing.
( Muns, Mon 25 Nov 2013, 10:34, closed)

Oh.
Dear.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 25 Nov 2013, 11:20, closed)

Look,
I now realise that it may be a bit beyond your remit to be able to tell the difference, but...

The two posts are actually quite different. If you'd bothered to read them.

I'm also a bit confused - it seems there are a few of you out there that think they speak for the rest of the people here on b3ta. BD was here yesterday telling me that nobody here likes me. Can I ask you exactly who (apart from yourself of course) doesn't click my links or gave a fuck about where I previously posted the fucking thing?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Tue 26 Nov 2013, 8:30, closed)