When
I was an undergrad I fell heavily for a girl I shall call R. I thought R was wonderful, in my hormonal and alcohol fuelled state. At the time I was drinking heavily and behaving like a total arse, but everytime R showed up I behaved myself and managed to actually flirt with her. Weirdly, despite my utter awkwardness with women I actually managed to get together with her and it was, to date, the happiest time of my life.

Unfortunately over the Christmas break she decided that she preferred an older guy on another course and dumped me the first day back at uni.

I took this rather badly. I started drinking in the morning, and my already fragile mental state began to deteriorate even more. I started hearing voices, seeing things and generally trying to drink the pain away. The lowest point came when a friend of mine found me at a James Bond themed party sitting on the floor of the toilet attempting to commit suicide with a toy gun someone had brought.

In this drunken, hallucinogenic state, I met another girl, whom I shall refer to as T. I have other terms to refer to her, but they aren't pleasant or nice.

T and I started going out. I was still massively in love with R, and T was still (unbeknownst to me) going out with her chavvy ex. T, who had obviously had a bad relationship beforehand, seemed to decide to take out her entire frustration and anger with men on me. She deftly deconstructed my already shattered self image, openly talked about how she wanted to fuck other men, mocked me both mentally and physically, and was an absolute master at mind games.

This state of affairs continued for several months, with myself still head over in heels in love with R, but going out with T and being destroyed personally. Eventually the summer holidays came, and T went back to her town, and I went back to mine. I was still very fucked up and after speaking to her on the phone the only way I could deal with the feelings of inadequacy that she induced in me was to either punch myself in the head or to headbutt the wall, or a cricket bat. I was drinking more than ever, getting fatter, more unhealthy. She used every opportunity to twist the knife further mentally and to extract every possible iota of selfconfidence from me and to stamp on it. I admit that I wasn't always perfect to her, but the fact is that she knew I was fucked up and she actively chose to make it worse. All of my friends hated her and couldn't understand why I was going out with her, but the truth was that after R dumped me I needed someone, and she was there. Admittedly in a weird way.

Anyway, in the August of the summer holidays I got a call off her saying that we had to meet up in the city in between our two towns. I go and meet her and she totally destroys the rest of my self respect and confidence by telling me, rather boastfully actually, that she'd gone out that saturday beforehand and had sex with three guys in the back of a car, and then the next day had met up with a guy from her school and had sex with him too. This was apparently OK as she was in love with him.

Unsurprisingly we broke up. The next few years were bad for me, excessive drinking, smoking too much weed, increasing hallucinations and voices, and three suicide attempts. On top of being dumped by the girl of my dreams, then being fucked over by a nightmare girl, my parents were drinking more and more and screaming arguments were a regular occurance. Mainly though, T had utterly destroyed me inside, as I was already depressed when I met her, and she merely made it far worse.

The karma part? About a year ago she somehow got my new mobile number, phoned me when drunk, and sobbingly apologised for the way she treated me. I hung up on her. I've subsequently heard from mutual acquaintances that she now works in a shitty job, is living with the three kids she has by the guy she went out with after me who, incidentally, is in prison for assault. Self confident, amoral, unpleasant, and selfish to dreary existence in 6 years. Maybe I'm nasty, but I'm happy about that.

As for me, I went through a lot of problems, was medicated heavily, eventually managed to get my head together (no suicide attempts since last summer wooo!), travelled abroad, and am now doing a postgrad degree in the subject I like. Still have many problems, but the fact that the girl I went out with, who had no regard for any other human being, has seen all her hopes and dreams die, and has been reduced to an utterly dreary existence brings a small spark of pleasure to me. Perhaps thats harsh, but every time I feel compassion for her I remember when I sat in my room, blood running down from the cut in my head from headbutting the wall, with a very large kitchen knife, listening to voices tell me that it all has to end. I know I already had problems, but she pretty much pushed me over the edge and screwed up the next 5 years of my life.

Sorry its so long, and perhaps not so karmic, but I needed to get it out.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 21:51, 7 replies)

that sucks...
..but mate, please, try to let it go.

Exactly the same story happened to a friend of mine, but he listened to the voices and drove off a cliff. I still hate him for it.

You're not that person anymore, and ironically, neither is T. Close that chapter of your life, lesson learned, and move on to the next page.

Good luck.
(inflateable, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 22:25, closed)

above
I agree with the above. I'm not judging (or at least I'm trying not to because god knows, I'm been in similar situations). She was out of line. To be honest, you didn't act 100% admirably either. It important that I say that because I reaaly hope you're able to put this behind you.
For me, when I was in a similar state of wanting the worst for my ex, the starting point came when I realised I'd not always been the wonderful guy I would like to have thought of myself as being. Once I stopped blaming her for everything and accepted I was partly to blame too it was actually really empowering - if I was partly to blame it meant I could do something to make things better again.

Sounds like you're on the way there already. Be strong. :)
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 23:55, closed)

I
totally agree. I'm not 100% blameless either.

And yeah, I have moved on. Things are going better and they tell me I should be off medication within the next month. So I guess thats an 8 year or so episode of my life over.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 1:54, closed)

Sounds like you've been to hell and back
If you are feeling low at any point in the future, why not ask the B3TA collective for help?

It's gotta be better than topping yourself.

I can't imagine anyone will judge you, and I suspect the advice you'd get on here will be from a vast range of folk - many with similar stories to tell and their own views on how to cope.

Be lucky.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 10:58, closed)

Shit!
Basically what they said, clean slate and all that. I hope things stay good for you from now on.
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 12:14, closed)

Im
really sorry to hear your story mate. This cant be a long post im afraid as im in the middle of a busy office but alot of what you wrote i recognised in myself a few years ago, although not quite so serious.

I had a bad breakup and went from girl to girl who treated me badly just to make themselves feel better. The thing is it was totally my fault. I had got it into my head that i was the bad guy and went to these people so i could reaffirm the bad image of myself i had in my head.

Sorry i cant offer more thoughts, work calls!

Thanks for sharing with us, hope its all on the up!

A
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 12:19, closed)

subject
Glad to hear you're pulling through. Just be careful ramping down the meds. Do it ggggrrrraaadddduuuaaaallllyyyyy. Cold turkey is a very bad idea.
(chase, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 21:21, closed)