‘Ice’ to see you…


The year was 1997, and at that time I happened to be the proud uncle of my sister’s 9 year old son. He was my first nephew, a great kid and I used to enjoy babysitting him whilst my sister and brother-in-law went out and got arseholed in their local pub every now and again.

On one occasion I decided to treat the boy with a trip to the cinema to watch the latest 'Batman' movie (The god-awful one with Uma Thurman and Arnie in).
If anybody cares to remembers the plot, Arnie played a mad scientist who required a refrigerated “ice suit” and loads of fucking awful, cold & ice related one-liners to survive (see title).

However, he had also invented the cure to a disease that had struck down Bruce Wayne’s faithful butler, Alfred.

As my nephew is munching away at his popcorn, we watch a scene where Alfred is in his bed, gasping his apparent last breaths as he is dying in a haze of shoddy acting. As George Clooney leans over his trusty old assistant with a proud, smouldering smile, he whispers:

“I love you, old man”

The kindly old Afred manages a smile and splutters with poignant grace: “And I love you”.

At this point my nephew innocently looks up at me..and bellows in that “Why can’t kids say anything quietly” voice …

“ARE THEY GAY?”

Suddenly this moving cinematic moment is instantly punctured by the sound of 100 or so moviegoers pissing their respective gussets with laughter…as I try to crawl up my own poo-chute to escape the embarrasment; whilst whispering to a 9 year old boy in an attempt to explain platonic, dutiful love between two men.

I never took him to the cinema again.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 13:23, 1 reply)

Batman & Robin
Was probably the nadir of the superhero movie genre (next to Superman IV).

However, I do have it in my DVD collection for *cough cough* completion's sake. And the extras.

I am a geek - I accept that. Although in my defence I bought it for less than a fiver in a sale - I wasn't going to waste £15 on the piece of celluloid toss.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)