Kids Like Me
And I've no idea why. I'm evil.

Ok, I can do cool things (as far as a kid's concerned) like juggle, fire breathe, throw knives, ride a unicycle etc, but that still doesn't explain why they like me.

I tell them all sorts of outrageous things, things that should upset them, but, coming from me, they just don't believe it.

Case in point. The son of my last flatmate and I where on the balcony and it was raining.

"Why's it raining Legless" asked rugrat (he was about 5 at the time)

"'Cos you've done something wrong and made God cry" I answered....

Same kid, a few months later, and he was excited about Christmas and Santa coming.

"Sorry, not happening this year" I told kid.

"Why not?" he asked looking puzzled.

"'Cos Rudolph went mad and gored Santa to death with his antlers. That's why his nose is all red - it's covered in blood."

Kid giggled and kicked me and told me I was being silly.

If it had stopped there all would have been well. Unfortunately, a few weeks later I was round at his mothers house, sorting out a computer problem. His mother is....interesting. 6 stone of pure malevolence. A kind of really skinny shark with permanent toothache and PMT .

"Hi Legless" she snarled.... "What's this about Santa being killed by Rudolph so Xmas is cancelled..."

"Err.. You know me, just having laugh with the boy..." I stammered weakly...


"Well *he's* not upset - he knows you talk shite - but the school is really pissed off with you right now...."

Turned out the little monster had only gone and proudly told his classmates that Rudolph had killed Santa, hence the red nose....Cue hysteria.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:08, 7 replies)

Hmm.
I remember one afternoon meeting you and ***** in the Tap, with sweary junior in tow. You proceeded to tell him your poem about why dogs sniff each other's arses as a greeting.

He liked it, funnily enough...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:42, closed)

I know that poem
as a song. I sing it a capella.

I once inadvertently gave a kid a nickname that (I think) still follows him by making a joke to my sons. My oldest was telling me about a friend of his named Neil as I was serving dinner, and I said, "Wait, what was the kid's name?"

"Neil."

I dropped to my knees, to his bewilderment. Then it dawned on him and he yelled, "Dad, that's his NAME!"

I got to my feet and said, "Well, it's a good thing his name wasn't Eatachair".

Months later I heard another kid referring to that kid as Eatachair and about choked...

So Legless, why are dog turds no longer white?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

I can answer that...
Dog turds are no longer white mostly because of the processed crap that we feed them at the behest of pet food manufacturers who maintain it's the best thing to give them for a healthy diet.

It's not.

About a year ago we started feeding our dog on the BARF diet (or bones and raw food, or even biologically appropriate raw food). This consists of raw mince, chicken wings, beef and lamb bones, tripe, and liquidised vegetables (but only certain kinds - potatoes are a no-no, for example). the principle being that dogs are naturally scavengers and will eat this sort of stuff in the wild.

She's never had as much energy, or been as healthy in her life. And because her diet contains raw bones every other day, her shit rapidly turns white after a day or so...

It also doesn't stink, or have the consistency of melted chocolate.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

hehehe, I can 100% believe that
When I was 8 my dad taught me how to do basic boxing and the next day I went in and threatened the school bully. He come upto me and I put on my best "guard up and dance like a bee" stance that I could do. Everyone laughed and went into class and drank squash.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 17:04, closed)

@resident Loon
When we were younger, about 20 years younger, dog food was made from recovered meat and bone meal. With a heavy emphasis on bone meal. Ground up bones.

The only reason any predator eats bones is for the goodness in the marrow. Bones, or bone meal, is indigestible to pretty much anything. That's why the police find skeletons - nothing can eat the bastards.

So feeding a dog food which was about 50% bone meal, meant that most dog crap was about %80 bone meal. When it dried, it went all hard and white...


But if you know of my dog poem, and can sing it, I'd love to know where you came across it. I wrote it in about '72, in an English class, and I don't have a clue as how/if it escaped into the wild.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 18 Apr 2008, 17:10, closed)

^
That's pretty much what I said...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 17:12, closed)

I first heard it
in 1982 or so, from a coffee house performer at my college, a man named Dennis D'Asaro. God knows where he got it from. Sometime this weekend I'll record my singing it as an mp3 and send it to you.

I never knew that this was why they used to be white, though I can remember that!

And oddly enough, as a child I remember finding white pellets in the yard that were droppings from wild rabbits. When we were pre-school age we threw them at each other one day until the neighbor's mother caught us at it and screamed at us for ten minutes...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 18 Apr 2008, 17:15, closed)