How I nearly ended up caving three youth's heads in with a hammer
I was walking up my back alley last night when 3 mini-chavs started walking behind me.

I was wearing all my bike gear at the time which tends to give me a bit of a John Wayne walk, and they started taking the piss:

"Fucking mong."
"You fucking mong."

I turned round. The largest one was about 14.

"Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah. You fucking mong."
"You fucking ginger cunt." (I found this funny as fuck as I'm not even ginger).
"Do you want to fight me? I'll fucking bang you out!" said a hilarious child who looked eight years old.

I decided that I had two options.

1. Fight them. Which I would have loved to have done, except that the oldest was carrying a beer bottle.
2. Walk on.

I chose option 2.

They continued to taunt me as I walked up the alleyway.

"I'll fight you for a fiver!"
"Yeah, you'd better keep walking, you fucking cunt!"

I opened my back gate and got into my yard, closing it behind me. Then one of them must have kicked it, as it sprang open again.

I'd had enough. I ran into my house and got the hammer from the toolbox.

Now picture this from their point of view. A 6-foot, 19 stone bearded biker emerges from the gate you've just kicked, looking severely pissed off and running at you with a BIG FUCK-OFF HAMMER.

For some reason, they fucked off. I'm quite glad, because the fact that I was angry enough to do that means that I was angry enough to hit them with it.

I just hope they won't come back and brick my windows...
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 9:59, 1 reply)

I would have been tempted to do a Thor imitation
and chuck the hammer at the one with the beer bottle. Hit him in the chest with it and break a few ribs and he'll remember the lesson.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 23 Apr 2008, 12:54, closed)