ants. lots of ants.
imagine, if you will, being woken from a lovely slumber by a persistent itching on your face. bleary-eyed, you scratch the offending area, only to have something lodge under your fingernails. still half asleep, you inspect your nails to find out what was on your face.
it was an ant.
just like all the other ants that, you now realise, are swarming over your bed.
there's a fucking ant's nest in the bedroom wall where the cavity wall insulation should be.
i do not need to imagine this.
after screaming like a colossal fanny and leaping out of bed, i ran into the living room, where my friend was asleep on the couch(we'd been to a party the night before and he'd stayed).
"there's fucking ants all over the bedroom! the little cunts were crawling all over me! where's the number for the council? someone's getting a bollocking for this!"
grumbling to himself, my mate tossed me my address book and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "ants?" he asked.
"yes! millions of the fuckers!" i replied.
after being on hold for 10 minutes and doing the full-body shitting-dog shiver at least five times, i was put through to someone who proceedede to be as much help as a condom machine in the vatican. he informed me that, as ants aren't dangerous, i'd have to pay £50 for them to remove the nest.
i disagreed, quite vociferously. my mate slipped on his shoes and slipped out of the house, presumably for breakfast-type junk food and to give me a wide berth until i calmed down. i continued to argue the toss with the phone monkey.
after another ten minutes, we were no closer to a resolution. suddenly, my friend strolls back in and plonks a can of ant powder down on the table.
"don't fucking bother," i tells council cunt, "i'll deal with it myself."
my bedroom wall is now insulated with a combination of woodlice, dethlac and about ten million ant corpses.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 25 Dec 2011, 16:56, 12 replies)

Ants...
I was once renting a place when after a day or so I noticed large columns of ants marching all over the place. I followed them to the point in the wall that they were entering from whereupon I gave about a four foot radius of the floor of that point a damn good dousing with the type of insect killer that no only kills on contact, but will also kill any creepy crawly that crosses that bit of floor for a fortnight.

I was not bothered again.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sun 25 Dec 2011, 19:03, closed)

"someone's getting a bollocking for this"
you total cunt.

Merry christmas (taxpayer)
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sun 25 Dec 2011, 19:18, closed)

The fact you pay tax (aren't you special!) doesn't make any of your opinions count.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 27 Dec 2011, 22:39, closed)

so
because i don't pay taxes, i'm not allowed to get pissed off about being covered by ants? go and shit in your best hat.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:47, closed)

So,
the ants weren't dangerous, and it was much quicker and easier for you to deal with them yourself? Did you phone back to apologise for being so rude?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 25 Dec 2011, 19:19, closed)

as i'd been complaining about the state of my walls for months
and they'd done fuck all about it, even though the damp had got in and ruined my wallpaper 3 times and the wall under the sill was crumbling to powder, no i didn't. i'd used up every ounce of politeness by that point.
also, i'd just woken up with my head fucking covered with ants. politeness was not on the cards.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 12:21, closed)

Smash I so want to see you do "the full-body shitting-dog shiver at least five times"
We tried calamint (catmint - the missus says you have to crush a lot of the stems & leaves and place them in-situ ), boiling water (on the nests) & salt - didn't work.
The termite bloke that sprayed some these lovelies used -
Bifenthrin
Chlorpyrifos
Deltamethrin
Fipronil
Imidacloprid
some of which managed to managed to fix it.

is your friend.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 26 Dec 2011, 6:52, closed)

indeed.
no more ants now, but the whole block has a massive problem with woodlice. we're not up to the decent homes standard yet, even though the block was due to be refurbished ages ago. i love my home and i don't want to have to leave it ,like the last one, just because someone in the housing department has decided it'll be easier than fixing the place up :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 12:25, closed)

Wasn't there someone up earlier who ate some?
Now there's your extra source of protein!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 26 Dec 2011, 22:11, closed)

i've seen woodlouse fritters made on telly
i wouldn't eat them, though.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:45, closed)

Ive always managed to cure any ant ingress problems with a few well placed sprigs of sage. Dunno how that would work if theyre nesting in a wall though.
(Freakmandu, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 12:33, closed)

i've had no problem with them since
but the wall is still buggered
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 13:46, closed)