David.
Ok, so this is a long one, kick back, settle in and enjoy the ride.

My parents had been friends with the Bill and Sue since before I was born. As they tell it, My Mum and Sue grew up together, went to the same school as kids, dated the same boys as teens and even got their frist jobs at the same place (not as odd as its sounds, in the 60's half of Essex worked for Fords).

Mum and Sue fell pregnant around the same time even, so Bill and Sue's boy, David, was born just two months before me.

Of course, David and I were destined to be best friends. We had to be, Mum and Sue were, so their children were bound to be.

Except that David turned out to be an odious little snotbag.

And, for one Saturday evening a month, all through my early childhood, when the parents would get together, he made my life hell.

I remember him from those days as a spoilt brat of a bullying child. He'd pinch me, punch me, prod me.

He'd steal my toys and not let me play with his.

He'd spit in my coke and steal my dinner.

He'd rip pages out of my books.

But 'Boys will be boys'

And our enforced 'friendship' remained.

Then school started. It was a small school, so no split classes that would allow me respite. My pencils broken, my work scribbled on. The water pot 'accidentally' spilt on my artwork.

And breaktimes were hell. Tripped playing 'had'. Kicked playing football. I hated school, hated going home because he would be with me, waiting for Sue. No one beieved this devil child existed, he was such sweetness and light when the 'grown ups' were around.

Sneaky, shitbag Dave ruined my infant school for me. I hated him

At least 'big school' would give me a break, surely. Lunchtimes would be awkward, but I couldn't be in the same form, surely? I woudl find space to grow and be my own person, not afraid that every moment he would be there, watching, waiting to hurt me or upset me.


I've never been lucky. First day, the form groups are announced and, of course, me and David, together. The old chums whose parents loved each other so, not kept apart.

So, yes, school was hell. I was ostracised, lonely, ignored at best, taunted and bullied at worst.

I was suicidal at times, I couldn't face the days. School holidays were no better, thanks to the seemingly growing closeness between the families.

We all went on a canal boat together, I fell in and got bollocked for being clumsy because no one saw the push.

We went to the beach and I got bollocked for losing my walkman, but I know David buried it.

I withdrew, I became sullen and unnaproachable. I lost myself in Music and tried to study so i could leave.

It's probably no lie to say The Stone Roses, The Happy Mondays...'Madchester' saved my life.

So when it came to choosing a University, there was only one place for me. I told no one where I planned to go until well after all the forms had been put in. Such was my paranoia that David would follow me.

And then, success! Accepted! I was going to Manchester.

And, as is the way of these things, so was David.

I probably don't need to go into detail about how things panned out. I am sure you can imagine.

So I will recount just one of many, many examples of the continuing hell I went through.

I came out of a History lecture, out of the faculty of arts and onto the concrete steps.

The shy girl who had become my only real friend next to me, me feeling the love and desire that I hadn't ever been confident enough to express.

And then, David...

strolling up like my best friend in the world. Congratulating me on 'coming out' and how brave I had been and how I shouldn't try to deny it anymore, people wouldn't judge me.

I don't know if she would have gone out with me if it wasn't for that or not. But I do know that she never truley believed my protestations that i was straight.

God I hated him.

When we left Uni, I fled. I moved away, rarely going home. I drifted away from my family, how could I not after they had been so blind and oblivious to my hell?

I became estranged.

Only recently, after turning 35, did I start to build bridges.

It's hard though, Sue and Bill are still my parent's closest friends and it brings back to many memories to make things easy.

But the good side is I have found out what became of David, and it makes me so happy to tell you now...



...Oh...'needless to say?'...


...OK, I won't.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 11:58, 21 replies)

He sounds like a right twazzock
But what happened to him? Judge Dredd levels of justice?
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:08, closed)

So your qotw tale is you're a limp wristed wanker who never stood up to a bully of twenty years
and something unfortunate may have happened to your tormentor. Christ I think he's had the last laugh on you.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:09, closed)

No
It was just a lot of effort making something up just to make a bad joke at the very end.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:11, closed)

Soz, it's all passed me by
Better work on those wrists just in case
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:14, closed)

I wouldn't worry
I am taking huge liberties with how one would generally define 'joke', but by the time I'd written it all I was fucked if I wasn't going to post it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:18, closed)

WHERE WAS THE JOKE? WHERE?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:17, closed)

this

( zulu eh?, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 15:13, closed)

Me = Fail
Once more: This is made up.

It was a long, made up story, deliberately with no pay off.

Nothing happened to David. David didn't exist.

You know how you got dragged all the way through The Sopranos and right at the end there was nothing...no pay off...just...and end...

Pretend it's my homage to that.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:39, closed)

Um...
Sorry if you didn't know how The Sopranos ended.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:39, closed)

I can't fathom out how the Sopranos even started
I mean like, uh?
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:53, closed)

i work with a guy who looks an extra from the sopranos
a greasy fat little cunt
( zulu eh?, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 15:14, closed)

I got the joke
but stuck around for clarification.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 12:58, closed)

Sounds a bit like the ending for "No country for old men"
I still can't work out if the Cohen brother's just ran out of money.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 13:01, closed)

RIS
I really don't get it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 13:32, closed)

I don't think...
there is anything to get.
(Kakistos, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 13:34, closed)

The question is NEEDLESS to say,
so he didn't.

It was a pun, and quite well done.
(TheColonel, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 13:36, closed)

This
Although I did groan a bit when I got there
(epicsnail Likes working nights, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 15:36, closed)

I
love



















































































































line



























































































breaks
















































































too.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 16:14, closed)

although the op's story is shit
Your Sig is spot on.
(Kip, Fri 4 Feb 2011, 23:12, closed)

I logged in from Turkey
To agree wıth ^^
(lemonadegame, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 15:07, closed)

David
Got a job in Australia and is my boss, I think.
( difficultchild, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:00, closed)