'Apology' letter...
I was sitting in my classroom, last year, when the deputy head marched in, mouth as thin as a hamster's dildo, eyes humourless.
"Maxfire in here?"
"Mmmmhmmm"
"Follow me." He walked out. I could tell this guy thought he was the dog's bollocks just by the fact that he had the audacity to summon me like so. So I followed him to his office, and sat in this big leather chair, rather like what a forty-something male would buy during his mid-life crisis. He sat opposite me, in a matching chair.
"I am Dan, the deputy principle. And as you can tell, Max, we are very high powered people". I restrained myself from making a cutting remark on his arrogance, "do you have any idea why you are here?"
"This isn't a face of someone in-the-know," I replied casually,
"no..." he did not crack a smile. He waited 10 whole seconds for me to answer. I said nothing, "so you don't know why you're here?"
"Not a clue. Do you?"
"There has been a complaint about a photo you uploaded on Facebook". Oh. It clicked.
Yesterday evening, my friend decided she would hide her hair from the rain by wrapping her coat round her head. I noticed that it looked a bit like a headscarf. She had the genius idea to take a picture of her in her new-found headscarf, and have a silent giggle and bitch about the muslim girl who used to bully her. Anyway, this photo somehow ended up on Facebook that night, and had no trouble acquiring offensive and borderline-racist comments. I put two and two together. It looked to me like the snivelling, greasy-faced, little shit had complained (I should mention here that the comments on the picture didn't actually refer to her by name).
So this "Dan" bloke gave me what can only be described as the most boring telling off. He didn't raise his voice from the monotone he clung to so dearly, his syllables did not change length, and his grey lifeless eyes did not move from my face. Eventually, he told me I had to write a letter of apology to the girl.
This, I did. I have to admit, it was a masterpiece of an apology letter. In fact, I reckon I got the sarcasm level to a point of perfection. To the girl, it would seem like a further kick in the teeth, an insult, just another way to take the piss, while also a seemingly standard letter to an adult reader. It was a work of art.
So the night before I gave it to her, I showed it to my headscarf-mocking ally, who was at my house She seemed particularly excited, and even took it aside, folded it neatly, placed it in an envelope and sealed it for me.

The next day, I am sitting across from the "victim of racism" on train.
"Um...here", I passed her the envelope with a slight sense of pride and anticipation. She said nothing, and slowly opened it. What happened next confused me. She pulled out a piece of paper, but this was not the portrait of a letter that I had spent so long on, but a piece of plain paper with 6 words on, in block capitals, I might add:

"FUCK YOU, YOU DIRTY PAKI SNITCH"

*silence*

Needless to say, my friend and I were very nearly expelled.
As for the letter she'll never read, I found it screwed up, in a tight ball, under my desk.
(Maxfire, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 0:40, 17 replies)

I wish there was a hell so your friend could burn in it.
And I hope you're not posting this as a 'funny' story.
(The_Judderman, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 3:51, closed)

Nice try, Spanky, but your writing style gives it away.

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 8:48, closed)

Two people can have the same writing style.
Can they not?
(Maxfire, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 8:50, closed)

Of course they can, its not for me to judge
and as this is slightly risky for a spanky post, it's understandable youve used a new profile and tried to change your style slightly in case of a backlash. It's ok spanks, lets forget about it and move on.
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 9:08, closed)

Ain't no 'L' Plate job this... I suspect a ruse.
The story is good but the the subject matter has become somewhat touchy... You could have done it about one of our 'european cousins' (anyone else feel european? No?)or even Gingers for a hippocritical degree of acceptance!!!
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Fri 5 Mar 2010, 9:14, closed)

I could have...
...but I stick as close as I can to the truth, otherwise the story tends to creep into the the "did that really happen?" category.
(Maxfire, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 9:35, closed)

I'm not spanky
not sure how to prove it, though.
(Maxfire, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 9:29, closed)

perhaps
if you had even asked who Spanky is it might have helped..........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 11:54, closed)

I dunno.
Anyone who's lurked on QOTW for a while (and lots of people tend to lurk before signing up) will have come across a Spanky story.

Edit: not literally. I hope.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:20, closed)

If this had been a Spanky story there would have a been a tedious description of how he imagines having sex with the subject of the letter before being racist at here.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:28, closed)

Good point,
well made.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:33, closed)

Fucking hell.
You've made the Fail Archive twice in a row.

I'd say 'good work here', but you're clearly a prat, so I'm not going to.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:19, closed)

good wok here

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:26, closed)

I'm "clearly a prat"?
If that's what you've deduced, then so be it, but don't get offended if I don't lose sleep over it.
(Maxfire, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 17:05, closed)

Ummmm....
This isn't me. Not enough line breaks for a start.

And 'Needless to say' isn't something I'd ever put in a post - I'd rather have a red hot poker stuck up my bottom.

Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:33, closed)

And you'd have made up a lurid, virginal description of how you'd had sex with her.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:51, closed)