Dear Internet loser...
I know you won't actually read this; you might see it, but your pathetic arrogance will ensure that you don't think it's about you.

But it is. It's about your annoying bullshit posts. It's about your twee alliteration and supposedly hilarious sexual descriptions that are favoured only by the unimaginative and the sycophantic. It's about the obvious lies that you tell, either because your real life is so crushingly boring that you have to make shit up to impress a load of people you've never met, or because you think that such lies will provide entertainment to your 'fans' (despite the story being essentially the same every fucking time), or because you think you have some kind of literary flair and that your posts are somehow more than just ill-conceived and poorly written pabulum written on an otherwise entertaining site.

They're not. They're fucking rubbish, and they're the main reason I am so apathetic about this site these days. If you want to write shit stories that make you out to be something you're clearly not, start a blog. Leave the QOTW for those who genuinely have something interesting to say.

Maybe you will actually read this letter. Who knows? After all, you're so vain that you probably think this post is about you.

With regards,

Captain Crackerjack
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 23:53, 37 replies)

I know
this can't be about me, because I'm awesome.

...hey
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 0:11, closed)

:(
why are you so mean to me? I'm just trying to write some stories. Its not my fault that nothing interesting has actually happened to me. I try to be imaginative as possible. I know I'm shit but you don't have to hurt my feelings.

;(
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 0:24, closed)

This person here, has summed up why the Fail Archive exists people.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 1:16, closed)

I disagree
(I think)

How is this a fail? It's marvelously written, and whether you personally agree with the poster's opinion or not, it does chime rather accurately with the feelings of a certain b3ta sub-sect.

If, however, you were saying not that this person has themselves failed but has succinctly and adeptly expressed the viewpoint of the particular segment of the population that is a bit fed up of obviously made-up stories, and that you yourself are in concordance with this viewpoint, then I agree.

Tsk. The vagaries of the English tongue.
(jennymnemonic, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 1:27, closed)

I should probably rephrase to go with the latter view.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 1:30, closed)

I feel your pain
but, there is a revolutionary new way to beat the problem. It's called not reading the posts.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 2:44, closed)

Tell the truth badger
They really exist because you are an unimaginative vicious attention seeking troll whose only contributions are about the time his friend popped a boner in his swimming trunks (which is a remarkable thing to remember so clearly after so long).

But, having said that, they are good value to skim through and I am sure that they make up for the lack of love and control in your own life that you so desperately seek. Any attention is good attention ay!
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 2:52, closed)

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:14, closed)

I wish I knew how to post pictures
so much easier than thinking
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 16:24, closed)

sadly, qotw
has gone downhill. It used to be much better, owing to the posters. Read qotw from two years back and it was generally more honest nd intelligent.

There are some good posters, still but there seem to be an increasing amount of inexperienced kids and social rejects coming here.

Most old school people, while being in touch with one another, find this decline to be sad.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:22, closed)

Did it all used to be fields?
I bet it all used to be fields...
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:31, closed)

Personally I blame it on the allowing of comments.
It gave people validation for their sex lies and whining.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:53, closed)

Not as good as it used to be
It was always said of Punch Magazine that it was never as good as it used to be. (ie for about 150 years)

In many ways I think that B3ta is now Britain's Punch. It is edgey and irreverant. As it evolves the new ideas will push out the old - and the oldies will feel left out.

Vive B3ta!
(justin(e), Sat 6 Mar 2010, 13:23, closed)

always wear sunscreen
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 16:25, closed)

fuck baz lurhman
fuck him with fire and glass.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:35, closed)

What's more telling,. Bad Advice:
You remember so clearly only that one story he's posted.

Enjoyed it, did ya?
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 23:06, closed)

www.b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread/post652614
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 8:07, closed)

I could...
But I happen to like some of the QOTW. Just not the self-indulgent tripe that gets posted week after week, and the mutual appreciation society that goes with it.

BTW - posting nothing but a link to something you wrote previously like it's some kind of RULE OF THE INTERNET makes you look like a prick.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 8:38, closed)

So be it.
It's just a link. You decide what it means. Posting here telling me how the internet works when you've got less than a hundred posts to your name, then moaning about someone who's popular makes you look like a soulless twat.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 9:51, closed)

Not so much...
Blah blah, you've only been here five minutes, blah blah, only made twenty posts, blah. So what? You don't get tenure, and there isn't a magic post-count beyond which you're immune from criticism. Some of the one-trick-pony old-timers are boring, predictable, unreadably shit, inexplicably aggravating, or all of the above.

Also - this is the third time you've linked back to your own post in other people's replies - presumably in a rather unendearing effort to harvest clicks. I call shenanigans.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:25, closed)

I'll delete the link if it'll help make you feel more superior.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:12, closed)

If you want me to feel superior
you'll need to provide me with a high-ranking nun, and an alibi
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 20:24, closed)

Nicely done.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 20:45, closed)

Actually
I would say that you are fella.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 6 Mar 2010, 9:52, closed)

NO, YOUR DAD SMELLS.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:53, closed)

I very much like this
You forgot to mention the poor spelling. And that the normal response from the sycophants to criticism is IF YOU DON'T LIKE POSTS THEN DON'T READ THEM, HOW DARE YOU ATTACK OUR SAVIOUR when, y'know, they could do the same. And the teary eyed pandering.

I like this.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 11:59, closed)

'IT'S CLEARLY SATIRE' is the the other defence I like, particularly from the amateur pornographers.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:23, closed)

Yeah, s'right.
The amateur pornographers who don't grasp what satire is.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:28, closed)

And...
The replies. "Beautifully written" - not really, no. Most of these internet lies would be below par for the letters page in Razzle. "Made me spit coffee all over my screen" - if your threshold for humour is really that low, you must get through a lot of monitors. "Excellent as always" - more of the same boring pathetic lies.

The zenith - or nadir - of this self-congratulating mutual wankery was the Legless post that he got so upset about when it was taken away from the Best Of page. Christ almighty, that was nauseating.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 13:50, closed)

Indeed
What made me giggle was the statement that it was Legless's posts that inspired the subject to join and 'contribute'. Explains a hell of a lot.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 14:15, closed)

yes
spectacularly childish, that - quite marvellously overblown and self-indulgent. '...could you explain to me, and the people who voted for me...' - I think he mistook the 'best of' column for a presidential election, or something else that has some degree of actual relevence.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 15:04, closed)

Yup
It's okay guys, I've received a reply from Rob that I can accept. It explains everything, and my toys are safely back in the perambulator. I am a barometer and litmus test of B3ta standards and, of course, by dint of my longstanding tenure as a contributor and teller of tall tales (that occasionally make me sound like a boring fuck that sexually assaults female students) I am an unofficial mod.

Cheers!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 15:13, closed)

Cynic :P

( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 20:40, closed)

I'm not overly keen on the porntastic diversions of some QOTW entries
So I don't read them. Variety is all well and good. Some people like them. I like the more thoughful ones - and going by the votes, so do most people here - but it's a free country.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:34, closed)

Just for the record...
...I have found that using the "ignore" link to... well, ignore these serial liars makes QOTW much more readable / enjoyable.
(minimalist ..., Sat 6 Mar 2010, 15:02, closed)

But
Using 'ignore' just blots out the pain. There's been a sharp decline in the number of quality QOTW winning entries. Ignore doesn't address that fact. It also doesn't work in the newsletter.

I love B3ta and QOTW, I just hate to see it in its current state.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 15:34, closed)

Here, here. Cap'n!
The ignore button is my friend. I don't miss those I put on ignore at all, but they effect the quality of QOTW.

Some very few of their earlier have been inspired, but the ones they were posting (last I saw) smacked of desperation and the need to maintain a reputation amongst people they'll never meet for creating a certain type of humor.

But for those who said this poster could simply ignore posts he didn't like, I notice you didn't follow your own advice.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 23:02, closed)