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This is a question Letters they'll never read

"Apologies, anger, declarations of love, things you want to say to people, but can't or didn't get the chance to." Suggestion via reducedfatLOLcat.

(, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:56)
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Dear Mr Waterstone.
Recently I purchased a copy of the Karma Sutra from your online slaes site. I would like to say that it arrived very quickly and within the time promised. I should like to return the book as it has caused some unrest in this household.

I would like to point out several entries in the book which in my opinion could not only cause harm but could result in a breach of health and safety regulations. I would appreciate your feedback at the earliest opportunity.

1. Page 37 Number 29: Now this is supposed to be The Scissors where the gentleman gains entry to the muff while laying in opposite directions. This position is impossible and climax can can only be achieved by lesbians. All we manged to do was fart up eachother's arseholes. Do you not understand that when a man has a broom on it needs to face north. No amount of bending or twisting will allow one's chopper to face the feet with that quantity of blood in it.
We tried it out which resulted in me pulling a muscle in my chap and an embarrassing visit to my GP who failed to contain her surgerylols.

2. Page 41 Number 37: The alternative oral position. What is wrong with a 69? Why do you find it necessary to invent another way? I can only assume this is classed as an oral position as we discovered, all you can actually do is talk about it.

3. Page 61 Number 52: The Dive. Now this is just silly. The diagram (fig 1) clearly shows the man who is clearly nursing a full stiffie belly flopping on top of the woman from a standing position, not only scoring a bull but also both parties escaping injury free.
We tried it but it all went horribly wrong. I stood at the bottom of the bed with a cock like a car jack and as shown, I dived on top of my mrs who was laying on her back with her legs so far apart she was almost doing the splits. Her snapper was wide open and let's face it, it's not exactly a small target these days. She was quite horny and was dripping like a fucked fridge so I was confident this would be a pleasurable experience. Now you know that feeling when you're playing snooker and as soon as you hit the cue ball, you know instantly that you have missed the shot, well that is a realisation you do not want to experience when you are in mid air about to land on top of your wife. This resulted in me doing a diana.

4. Page 104 Number 84a: I am not into that sort of thing!

5. Page 147 Number 222: The Wheelbarrow. I quite enjoyed this one at first. The idea is the woman lays face down on the floor while the gentleman lifts up her ankles waist high and she then walks around the room on her hands while the gentleman gains muff entry at the same time. We were getting quite good at it and due to my wife being a champion shot putter she was able to keep going for some time. Everything was going swimmingly until I tripped over the fucking book. I collapsed on top of her pulling another muscle in my fella. She faceplanted the pisspot which catapulted up in the air showering us both in cold piss and knocking a shotgun off the wall which went off blowing a huge hole in the ceiling, rupturing my water tank, flooding the house and to cap it all, my neighbour jumped naked from the wardrobe with his hands up.

I expect a full refund.

Your obedient servant

Captn' Horatio Clutterbuck Hood-Butter III (ret) VC VD and Bar
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:54, 20 replies)
I think
I love you.
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:00, closed)
It was bound to happen eventually.

(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:05, closed)
This should win
If it was posted Thurs or Fri, it most certainly would do.
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:04, closed)
I don't seem to have much luck with matters of a sexual nature :(
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:07, closed)
This is sterling.
Consider yourself clicked.

*curiosity piqued as to the nature of no. 84a, p. 104*
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:09, closed)
I'll just say it involves a degree of bufuckery.
A subject which leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:19, closed)
Great read!!!
Cheers for that!
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:20, closed)
Well I'm just over the moon
that you find the circumstances I now find myself in entertaining. You insensitive bastard :(
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:24, closed)
Sometimes "I like this"
just isn't enough.

Well done there chap, well done indeed.
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:41, closed)

Brilliant, made me laugh like a loon! Have a clicky
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 13:59, closed)
I see nothing funny here.
If that happened to you would I laugh? Yes I probably would, but that's not the point.
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:02, closed)
Cheers for the officelols fella!
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 15:56, closed)
alright jimbob

(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:01, closed)
I am purple and my child has asked what the funny noise is
Spanky, you have a rightful heir and successor! ^
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 17:19, closed)
What was the noise then?
Just asking like.
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:01, closed)
*clicks so hard my finger hurts*
I've missed you Captain.
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 1:39, closed)
Hello gorjuss.
I'm still about on here and /board just not /talk anymore due to reasons I shall not enter into here. Gaz me or talk to me on Gilgamesh's site. Luff you :)
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 11:59, closed)
Up until the last paragragh, I thought it was all real.
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:49, closed)

* Frantic clickery *
If this doesn't FP, I'll eat my own gonads!
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:57, closed)
Thank you
for vastly improving the shitty day I have had by making me Proper LOL.
(, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 20:36, closed)

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