Kenneth Kelly
Kenneth was a kid at school. He had the distinction of being Scottish, which gave him the opportunity to spin a number of yarns. Among them: his dad drank a whole bottle of Glenmorangie every morning for breakfast, and his family were descended directly from Braveheart and Highlander. If we didn't believe him, he would get his clan on us. (They were the most bloodthirsty of all Scottish clans - so lethal that they had mostly killed each other when there was no-one else around to kill. Matthew Kelly was from the same clan)

Being a descendant of sword-wielding immortals, Kenny was naturally an expert with the claymore. He promised he would cut our heads off with it... if it wasn't too valuable to remove from the armour-plated safe in his bedroom. And if the Kurgan wasn't trying to get it.

Kenny was also a bit of computer whizz. He had apparently written a programme for his Casio calculator, turning it into a games console with mainframe-like power. But he wouldn't let us play any games on it or hack into Strategic Air Command and start World War Three because the battery seemed to be permanently dead. Must have been
the 1000 gig of memory he'd built into it.

These facts alone were enough to make the average classmate jealous, but Kenny had also had sexual relations with a number of famous actresses. it seems they hadn't been put of by a pimply short-arse ginger tartan windbag - because his cock was huge. If it appeared to be a tiny white maggot in the showers after football, that was because the water was cold.

Last I heard, someone saw him in central Sheffield, holding a bottle of Special Brew aloft and shouting "FREEEDOM!"
(frankspencer, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 12:20, 3 replies)

Re: Ginger Sweaty
He didn't have a mop of manky hair, a wino beard and a Big Country style lumberjack shirt did he?


Only, a few years ago, I was accosted on a Dublin street by such a loon. He was swigging from a bottle of whiskey and shouting "UP THE IRA!" He spotted me looking at him and came over. He went into an Eric Idle-style 'nudge, nudge say no more' rant at me. "Up the IRA eh? The IRA eh? The IRA!" before running off to harass someone else.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 13:12, closed)

lies
can you really get special brew in bottles? i thought it was just cans!
(pogo_it, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 14:34, closed)

pogo_it
You'd know better than me...
(frankspencer, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 15:30, closed)