Bunch of irritating "lad" wankers on the train home from Lancaster one evening.
Drinking, being loud and obnoxious on an otherwise peaceful carriage, and generally getting right on my tits - and me without my iPod to drown out the aggravation of the surrounding world.

Then it happened.

I had eaten a rather large curry almost immediately before getting onboard and the rocking of the train, coupled with my penchant for eating more than I probably should at curry houses was making me feel a little uncomfortable.

In order to relieve the pressure, I released a very long, but ultimately silent fart. Sort of like a digestive trephining if you will. The kind that makes it feel like your arse is a release valve opened half way.

A moment or two later and I dared to inhale the air to assess the damage. Strange. I couldn't smell anything at all, when I had been preparing myself to quickly get up and head to another carriage in order to avoid the subsequent accusatory glares. "I've got away with it" thinks I.

Then, the moment of my victory:

One of the obnoxious wankers sat further down the train suddenly goes "Jesus christ! Is that you???" pointing at his mate sat opposite, who immediately denied all knowledge.

"I bet it fucking was you. You never own up, you smelly cunt."

"It fucking wasn't!"

At which point his mates got a whiff and all turned on him.

"Jesus christ, you smelly bastard!! You fucking always do that!"

"IT WASN'T FUCKING ME!!!"

The conversation went on like this, getting more and more heated until it actually became an argument, with the accused eventually telling his mates that he was "fucking sick of them" and that he didn't know why he hung around with them because all they did was take the piss.

I don't know how it had happened, but the fart seemed to leave my backside, creep under at least 5 rows of seats without any of the other passengers noticing, and popped it's head up directly under the table of the irritating pricks, like some sort of gobshite-seeking arse missile.

The rest of the journey was spent with them sitting in awkward silence, contemplating their friends sudden outburst, not really knowing what to say to the guy who was now sitting in a huff staring out of the window.
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 10 Feb 2011, 17:53, 6 replies)

*click*
for "gobshite-seeking arse missile"
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 17:56, closed)

^This^
I'm going to be giggling all day...
(robbersdog, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:01, closed)

^

( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 14:27, closed)

Feck
Drink

etc.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 23:33, closed)

sitting in a huff
and a guff
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 18:02, closed)

*clickage*

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 18:04, closed)

Click!
I did something like this once on a bus from Brighton to Crawley. Passed out drunk next to some random dude I let out a mega trump. My friends on the bus were horrified along with everyone else on the bottom floor.
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 20:02, closed)

'some sort of gobshite-seeking arse missile'
pictures with words... **awestruck**
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Thu 10 Feb 2011, 20:42, closed)