A question so shit have a Pea
Dear England,

It has been some time since I last saw you so I thought I should drop you a line. It only seems like yesterday since I worked in the basement of Harrods selling nuts, who could believe it has been almost 20 years, and yet each day I spent working in the basement felt like 20 years, ironic isn’t it.

I hope you are keeping well. I have heard on the grape vine that you have had a few money worries; I don’t mean to say I told you so but I did warn you about taking banking advice from that shifty America, but, you never did listen.

Has the weather improved since I saw you last? I remember with no fondness the cold and dark days you gave us but, I do still smile when I remember the old lady in my street at Barons Court who would convince me that 3 degree’s was a pleasant day and shame me into not taking a coat. Do you think that Doctor who treated me for the influenza and whose bill I skipped out on is still looking for me?

If you see them about the place would please remember me to Lisa, Chelsea, Sarah, Lindsy, Chrissie, the other Sarah, Emma, Louise, Carol, Sam, Bec, Antonia, Helen, Joanne, the other Emma with the huge tits and Dianne. There are few others I can’t remember but, if you recognize them please pretend I remembered them too. By the way, if any of them are looking for me and have devilishly handsome 19 year old children with good teeth, tell you don’t know where I am.

I am still sorry for making that joke that the only a true Englishman is of Saxon decent, which you can tell from his red hair, and that all the others are basically French (although I still stand by my comment that the Normans ARE French). I am also sorry for suggesting you missed your last chance to become a great empire again 1942 when you rejected the introduction of German efficiency.

Things at home are still not back to normal I am afraid and we really do insist that you return the Ashes you cheated us out of recently, and please explain how the Rugby World Cup finished up in the hands of the French after we entrusted it to you for safe keeping! (Makes me think that my joke really does have some truth to it).

You will be pleased to know we dispatched Uncle Rupert to the United States as punishment but, he is still refusing to give back control of your media (he was always a bit of a bastard). And for crying out loud don’t send that smarmy wanker Wills back here again. If you don’t want him what makes you think we do?

All the folks at Ramsy Street and Summer Bay send their best regards but, there has been some quite mumbles that they are falling out of favor. Surely this can’t be true?!?

I will sign off now to take a swim in my private pool on my quarter acre block with a 2 story 4 bedroom house in my leafy suburb close to the city that I have bought with an average wage.

Lots of Love,

bad advice

PS Nick the bar man at the Cooggee Bay asks if you can remind the next set of gap year students that although not compulsory tipping is welcome

PPS Dad says you can keep Pete Andre’, he reckons he would happier with you

PPPS Uncle Warnie has lost his blow up cock and asks you if you can keep an eye out for it

ba
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 9:48, 19 replies)

re the first ps.
It is common knowledge in the global hospitality industry that Australians are the worst tippers in the world. Making even the British look positively generous.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 10:19, closed)

Do as we say
not as we do!
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 10:34, closed)

"Do you think that Doctor who treated me for the influenza and whose bill I skipped out on is still looking for me?"
NHS son, we don't get doctors bills over here.
(username failed moderation, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 10:34, closed)

Unless you're a foreign in the late 80's

(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 10:35, closed)

Fuck off , Fairholme.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 11:01, closed)

HOW DARE YOU
I have been bragging of the affordable homes with pools much longer than old Rob has been posting on B3TA.

By the way, you lack of effort on this internet bullying is very disappointing.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 8:06, closed)

Doctor Who isn't real. Just so you know.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 11:26, closed)

I know but, you are
wouldn't it be kinda cool if the situation was reversed?
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 7:59, closed)

I do so hope you are enjoying your massive, yet cheap, home, and pool.
And the murderous spiders.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 12:01, closed)

And all the whining Australians.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 12:34, closed)

The Normans weren't French. They were Normans.

(searlichek, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 18:54, closed)

What, you mean they all had the same first name?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 9 Oct 2013, 20:11, closed)

Mostly.
A few were Dicks, though.
(searlichek, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 20:20, closed)

Dress it up how you will
I am standing by my unfounded, un-researched,uninformed claim - Brit's descended from Fenchies.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 8:03, closed)

The clue is in the name
Norman = Northman

Basically, Vikings or similar. Last I checked, the French were to the South.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 21:33, closed)

Sure they are buddy
see above
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 8:03, closed)

Red hair is more Celtic than Saxon.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 1:20, closed)

I like Red headed girls, they is dead sexy
Prince Harry was here last weekend, when he took his street walk with us common folk, the sound of girls knickers hitting the pavement was quite audible.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 8:08, closed)

The Normans weren't French you idiot.
They were Vikings.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 10 Oct 2013, 11:15, closed)