The one where I got rid of awful neighbours (pearoast)
My neighbours weren't actually from hell, but there was something about them I didn't like. They were nosey gets whenever I went in my garden, even if just to hang the washing out. They listened to music quite late, shouted at their kids a lot, well bellowed anyway (had they never seen Dr Tanya Byron?), the shouting would start their dog off which would then get shouted at.

The man of the house, we shall call Gary, would go out of an evening, and not get in until about 1am, when he demonstrated that he had no concept of taking a key with him as he used to hammer on the door until his wife got up and let him in. I got a card through the door once saying that I wasn't in and my parcel had been left with a neighbour. I went round and was given the parcel, which had clearly been tampered with as one of them had been curious about what I'd received.

Nothing seriously anti-social, just a nuisance.

They had a daughter, Amy who used to treat my daughter as a fair-weather friend. If none of Amy's other friends weren't available, she would come knocking. My daughter twigged and would say no only to get a bit of verbal off Amy if she didn't play out with her. One day, my daughter had been invited over as it was Amy's birthday. My daughter came home early because she was bored and Amy and her friends weren't talking to her. My daughter had left her jacket there so I said I'd go get it. Then I had an idea.

I dug out an old typewriter, fed a piece of paper in and halfway down and in the middle typed two words. I folded the paper up, stuffed it in an anonymous Xmas card envelope and went round. I fed it quietly through their letterbox and knocked on the door. Gary came to the door and behind the glass I saw him bend down and pick up the envelope and then open the door.

"She left her jacket, it's the blue one" I said.
Gary shouted through, "Bring next door's jacket, it's the blue one." He then opened the envelope and read what I'd put, under his breath but audible all the same. Two words.

"They know"

He stuffed it in his back pocket, I was given the jacket and he shut the door.

I heard a heated conversation, but in low voices between him and his wife. Amy's friends were sent home and I saw Gary carry something into the garden so I ran upstairs and peeked out of the bedroom window to see what was going on.

He had a laptop, and was smashing it open with a big hammer. He then went back in the house and came out a few moments later with a power-drill and drilled several large holes in the hard drive.
He went back in and came out with two more drives and drilled holes in them. Then he got a metal dustbin out from behind his shed, filled it with grass-clippings that had been going brown at the side of the garden followed by a liberal amount of lighter fluid and a match. He went back in the house.

He came back out with a load of paper and some CDs and the lot went in the dustbin, followed by the hard-drives and the remains of the laptop. He went back inside again and slammed the door. I heard a lot of shouting for about 30 minutes which died down.

Two days later, there was a lot of commotion again and I saw Gary and his wife loading boxes and furniture into a removal lorry. This drove off, Gary locked up his house and he and his family got in his beat up old Mondeo and drove off.

I never saw them again.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 15:07, 3 replies)

Teach him
to put fake 50p's in his meter.
(username failed moderation, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 15:27, closed)

I do hope so
that this is true.
but also not for fear of what terrible things they may have been up to.
(Raol Duke, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 16:41, closed)

Twain
en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mark_Twain#Truth
(speedevil, Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:30, closed)