"This is Radio Me, and it's the luurrve hour..."
It may have been mentioned at some point, but when I was younger I was a bit (OK, a lot) rubbish with girls. The school I went to (like most other schools, I dare say) had a bit of a hierarchy going on, and I most certainly wasn’t amongst the higher echelons of that particular social order.

My ability to converse with any girl was seriously hampered by a mess of blond hair that would do nothing except hang in a side-parting (God knows I tried to make it in to curtains. But, without fail, it never would. Until I left school and gave up caring, curiously…), glasses that were seemingly half an inch thick (and that I mistakenly believed looked like Pilots glasses… bloody idiot), and an affinity towards the, shall we say, geekier subjects. I actively enjoyed Drama and English. I lived for Physics. IT (such as it was in the early 90’s) was a joy for me, and you couldn’t keep me away from Geography. I even liked P.E, and was fairly good at some things, and being able to play Rugby at Fly Half spared me a few kickings in my time.

To begin with I was (as I am now), horribly shy. Those who know me would be surprised by that, as I can be loud and bolshy as hell with my friends – but put me in a situation I don’t like and I go to pieces (hence why I’m worried about the QOTW bash!) This quickly escalated in to me becoming a gibbering wreck any time anyone who didn’t have a penis was within 500 feet of me.

And then Karen (after all that back story), entered my life. She was tall, she was graceful, she had a shock of bouncy brown hair, and she played hockey. She was elegant, and funny, and she had a laugh that sounded like spring morning. I would gaze longingly at her in Business Studies, watching as the sun played on her hair and lit up her radiant cheeks. I was in Love, in a strange and uncomplicated 14-year-old way. I knew, at this point, the next few months of my life would be crucial to my future development. She had to be mine. Oh, the things we would do together – we might hold hands, or even kiss! The Little Devil made grumblings that this wasn’t enough to satisfy his thirst – but I ignored him. “Baby steps,” I told him, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves – we’re not going out with her yet.”

Did you hear that? “Yet”. O, foul and inconsiderate boyhood!

Knowing that I couldn’t approach the object of my affection, lest I dribble on her shoes and scare her off, I had to come up with a subtle and romantic way to reach out to her. I would be Cyrano De Bergerac, and she would be my Roxane. All I needed was a way to make her notice me. I sat in my room for hours, wracking my brains for the answer. I tossed (easy now) and turned that night, waiting for my idea to hit me. Then suddenly, in the early hours of the morning, it did just that.

“A mix tape!” I cried, safe and secure in the knowledge that the ladies find a sensitive man with an appreciation for music attractive. Feverishly, I took down the CD/Tape deck, and a pile of CD’s, a TDK90 – and I set about my work.

This, friends, is where I made my first mistake. You see, I had not developed a personal taste in music yet, so the music I liked was mainly old school rock music. And being Essex in the early 90’s, everyone else liked hardcore and whistles and such. So, my mix tape consisted of the following songs (from memory, there were more) as an example:

1) Nights in White Satin – Moody Blues
2) Is it Mine? – Supertramp
3) This Thing Called Love – Queen
4) Peaceful Easy Feeling – Eagles
5) Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin

And then there was side 2. I worked hard on this side – knowing that side 1 was ‘my type’ of thing; I took a wild stab at what I figured she would like. Again, this is 1994, so:

1) All that She Wants – Ace of Base
2) All for Love – Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart & Sting
3) The Most Beautiful Girl in the World – Prince (will he sue for that?)
4) Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm – Crash Test Dummies
5) Regulate – Warren G & Nate Dogg (no, I don’t understand why I did that either…)

I know it’s been a long time, I’ll be done soon. Anyway, I listened back to the tape, and realized it was missing a certain… oh, I don’t know, je ne sais quoi…

So, I wiped the tape. Started again, same songs, but with a crucial difference. I had dug a microphone out, and had made my own little ‘Radio Show’ mix tape, dedicated to Karen.

“Hi, this is DJ “Devil In Tights”, and welcome to Radio Me! If you’re just joining us, it’s time for the Love hour, and today, it’s all for Karen…”

(I cringe writing that…)

The climax to this story is, unfortunately, a bit of a damp squib. For some reason as yet fathomed by me, I decided to play it in the car on the way to school. My Mum (God bless her), refused to give the tape back to me, citing “my son is not going to make an idiot of himself” as a reason.

I am, and will remain, eternally grateful for that. Though I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I went through with my plan…

(PS – 12 years later, one of my internet friends started sending me mix CD’s… we met up… and now we’ve been together 2 years, and are getting married! So mix tapes do work!)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 17:27, 3 replies)

Sweet tender and just borders on the right side of sickly
And you must be about the same age as me'self I recognise one or two of those from equally hideous mix tapes of my early 90s youth....
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 17:42, closed)

TDK90
finally someone lists a type of blank tape that I recognize.....sheesh!

and good for your Mum.....smart lady
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 9 Feb 2008, 3:48, closed)

Oooh..
Feel the teenage angst.
See the hormones.
Bless you (in a nice way, not condescending)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 10 Feb 2008, 19:29, closed)