If this QOTW was a horse...
It would have been taken out to the barn and shot by now.

My accursed employers now think that I am a dynamic, work-oriented go-getter...instead of the useless, lazy spackscuttler I really am.

This is due to all the work I have done this week while the QOTW limped on...

Is it Thursday yet?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 13 Feb 2008, 15:12, 3 replies)

Tinymixtapes
When I think of mix tapes, I think of Tinymixtapes.

Where else can you outsource the effort of devising a customised playlist customised for a specific subject or occassion that predicts the listeners mood cycles and takes them upon an emotional journey where old memories are revisited and new possibilities are excitingly explored?

Forget vague, genre specific compilations claiming to be the "ultimate best of all time ever for sure this time", what you want is a mix so eerily specific it will cause the skin to crawl on the neck of the listener as each song seeps directly into their subconscious.

Mixtapes for things such as

"Songs to drive to at night. Or songs that invoke the feeling that I’d like to drive to them at night because I don’t currently have a car. So, songs that could be driven to at night, but also sound good on the bus and the walk home. Maybe a bit autumnal/wintery, in keeping with the season. I would have said "fall-y" but I’m going to be honest, that sounds rubbish. Autumn is a much better word. So, autumnal songs that are good to travel to on pretty much any mode of transport (maybe except a Harley), but are especially good at soundtracking car journeys in the dark."

or

"Songs that are about love, yet don’t mention love even once."

how about

"Songs That Thom Yorke Masturbates To."

maybe

"a mix for when you catch your ex using all the music you introduced her to with her new girlfriend"

last for now

"Song Titles That Would Make Excellent Fortune Cookie Fortunes"

More of these at Tinymixtapes. I haven't looked at these in years, but this week's qotw has got me going through them again!
( ma0sm, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 14:47, 3 replies)

Farming
I used to work on an arable farm whos main crop was rape seed. When the time came to sow next years crop it was my job load the seed onto the tractor. By mistake I once loaded two different types of seed into the same seed spreader. This resulted in a container of 'mixed rape'.


For gods sake can we change the QOTW a day early, these poo puns are making me look like a twat.
(Errorist, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 14:09, Reply)

Was fingering a girl one sultry night.....
my fingers slipped around the a-hole, it was a Missed Gape.
(Paddy O'Dawes, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Republican Hike
One of the Republican presidential hopefuls went on a long hike yesterday.

It was Mitt's traipse.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 13:43, 1 reply)

Tenuouser and tenuouser...
Ever been to Niagara Falls?

When you go on one of the tours, they give you a plastic mac thingy to protect your clothes from the water spray.

It's a mist cape...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 13:28, 5 replies)

Probably Bindun
A friend of mine works for the Russian airforce, and his squadron is well known for its gorilla mascot.

Yes, it's their MIGs' ape.
(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 12:53, 1 reply)

I filled my friend's gloves up with flesh-eating bacteria, as an ill-informed prank.
You might even say it was a 'Mitts Jape'.

God I'm bored.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 12:48, Reply)

tenuous and plagiaristic
I made a mix tape for Legless. He has a willy.
Davros' Granddad made a mix tape for me. He has a willy.
I like willies.
Remember Billy Connolly's song about wellies?
I've changed it a bit...

If it wasn't for your willy
Where would you be
You might be in the hospital
Or Infirmary
You might catch a dose of the pox
Or another S.T.D.
If you do not keep your keks on your willy

COZ..

Willies they are wobbly
Willies they can swell
They keep in the wee-wee
Their ends do have a bell
And when you're sitting in the pub
You can always tell
When some bugger's taken out his willy

that's as far as I've got so far.... might add more as I think of it

Also, even "tenuouser", I've done a haiku:

Jeremy Paxman's
Testicles' receptacles
Aren't from Marks & Sparks

Sorry. All because the puns have all bindun.

EDIT *slinks off to take cod liver oil so as not to develop arthritis of the neck as shaking head so much*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 12:11, 7 replies)

Record protection tabs
should be used, as dropouts can occur if clumsy people hit the Record button as well as Play.

This is worse if you do not realise the thing is recording wild sex antics onto one side of a fave sexy mixtape - and especially bad when it is played to the next sexy girl!

Also bad form is dropping out to Spectrum tape loading sounds, practice French oral or the stories of Little Black Sambo at the end of the tape (I did not make this up - I am not racist!)


PS. I LIKE THIS QUESTION _{a bit}

PPS. It's a shame that home recording killed the music industry in the 80's and all the pop stars went broke. The government should have done something about it like check what everyone was recording onto their tapes, and if it was copyright banning them from sounds!
(jmaxi returned again on, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:21, 3 replies)

So a few years ago I was on holiday in America...
We'd gone over to see the launch of a shuttle from Cape Canaveral, and spent the next few weeks driving around the state of Florida.

From the Everglades to Miami we drove. We saw the Florida Keys, and visited Tallahassee.

Eventually, we ended up in Jacksonville. One of our number was an ardent fan of Limp Bizkit, and wanted to see the town where Fred Durst grew up. While I was waiting for this musical homage to be undertaken, I decided to go off to get something to eat. Walking through the redneck town, I happened across a little patisserie that was selling sweet and savoury snacks. As I approached, I saw a pancake full of chocolate and ice cream had been left on the side, untouched.

I don't know what came over me that day, but I wanted it. So, quick as a flash, I dashed over, grabbed the delicious treat, and made off with it. Scant seconds later, there was a yell behind me, and I turned to see a toothless guy in dungarees shambling his way towards me.

"Hey y'all," he drawled "that there's mah pan-cake."

Yes. I had stolen a Hick's Crepe.




(Oh christ, I'm sorry. That was too much effort for a bad joke...)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:15, 4 replies)

Ah Mix Tapes
Mix tapes!...god this takes me back, It was Montmartre 1923 as I recall . Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Gertrude Stein and me were sharing absinthe breezers in Chez Janou, near Place des Vosges (a delighful little gem Ezra Pound had stumbled across when hunting for sailors the previous fall).

Fitzgerald, of course, was currently in his pupae stage so alcohol was off the menu until he'd emerged from his crysalis. We were in deep discussion of our current Jive Bunny selections for our mix tapes when Hemingway announced his new book about the doomed love affair between an impotent milk boy and his herd of pig bitches: "a Farewell to Farms", I believe he called it.

Afternoon tiptoed into evening carried on Fitzgerald's anecdotes of his time force feeding cheese to unwary Japanese tourists until someone spilled Stein's pint and she glassed the waiter, we left shortly after.

(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:14, 23 replies)

everyone who doesn't like this weeks question
Did you know you're legally entitled to a full refund?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:14, 2 replies)

Nicely mixed.
Paste as a pet pest.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:07, Reply)

Mix Tape
I did a mix tape sometime in the early 90s, it involved compiling a random selection of songs onto a 90 minute cassette

I've been dining out on this story for years (does anyone bother reading the suggestions on the other board for QOTW topics?)
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 9:46, Reply)

Rabbits
I once made a mix tape for my pet rabbit. It had some of the Watership Down music, Van Halen's 'Jump' etc. But when I played it to him, he died.

Must have been mixedtaptomosis.

{Punches self in face].
(frankspencer, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 9:43, 6 replies)

Mixed Apeloverage..
My computer gave away my secrets

my friend was fired from his job in a sex shop
when his boss found evidence that he'd been looking at bus timetables on his work computer.
(Sun 12th Feb 2006, 8:11, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

to save time...
So you don't have to read the entire board -

i) Group of rugby oafs/hooting fratboys have sex with prostitute while shouting. Hilarity is asserted to have ensued.

ii) Amusing reference to dysfunctional relationships as a form of 'paying for sex'.

iii) Man has sex with prostitute who really liked him. Much like that time I saw that guy at the theatre who turned out to be Macbeth, King of Scotland, and not someone playing a role in order to receive payment from me.
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 8:59, More)
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 9:38, 6 replies)

Balls
It was so cold this morning I had to weld the balls back on some brass monkeys.

I guess that makes them.... MIGged Apes

Not very long, it's cold. (is it Thursday yet?)
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 9:35, 1 reply)

Science
It was recently proven by scientists in a laboratory that throughout human history nothing remotely amusing, or even faintly interesting, has ever occurred in relation to a mix tape.

In the late 90s it was found that a man once smirked briefly while burning a compilation CD, but on further investigation he was found to have been thinking of something funny that happened earlier that day.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 9:35, 4 replies)

If you're gonna do it, do it right.
If I weren't so technologically inept I would now take great delight in posting a picture of King Kong as he scales the Empire State Building, with the added caption 'Right turn, Clyde!'
Alas...
(FurtiveBiscuit, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 4:54, 1 reply)

I was always quite bored
So when I was 17 I made a mix cd with all my favourite tunes of that time on it. But, as the title suggests, this didn't occupy me for nearly as long as I'd hoped and I'd just got a printer that could print cd's and shit. Result! Anyways, I decided to name my ultimate collection 'Graeme Recommends'. I designed and printed out an entire sleeve and disc along with fake quotes from even faker (is that a word?) publications. Anyways, I've lost that cd now and my life feels so empty
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 3:28, 3 replies)

I got an African monkey and a south American monkey
put them together

and got a mixt ape
( Bobson I who milks the milkmen?, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 2:16, Reply)

When I was seven...
I fell into the boot of the car when we were picking fruit and was trapped there for twenty minutes. I thought I would be there forever. Now I'm in Australia, but it's raining. In February of last year I went out with some friends and drank in 19 different pubs in one day, and asked an American couple if they were trying to recruit me for a threesome. On the way home I chatted to a pregnant lady on the bus, telling her pregnant ladies were attractive, because you know they work, from a Darwinian perspective. In 1982 I fell off a pony. I was two. Why was I on a pony when I was 2? I'm never going to be a teenager again, and I did such a bad job of it the first time. Oh, I get to play Warcraft III all night on Thursday! Sometimes I wonder if the strange people I met at Glastonbury in 2003 are ok, or if they drowned at the festival two years later. It's at a time like this I wish I had listened to what my mother used to tell me when I was young. What did she say? I don't know what she said! I didn't listen! Do you think I ate too much fruit for breakfast this morning? I'm going to make a coffee now. Bye!
(sabre-tooth monkey, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 0:40, 2 replies)

Mist Apes
Didn't Dian Fossey make....

Oh.

Sorry, shit pun.

*summons Thursday*
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 22:52, Reply)

Mixed Tapes
-[INSERT PUN HERE]-

Ahahahaha.

Cough.

Thursday looms.
(Pointless as a chavs bathroom, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 22:32, Reply)

A mix tape mix up
A girl we used to hang round with had an ex who used to do her a different tape every week, all on themes, songs about animals, soft rock, hard rock, songs themed on the days of the week etc, he had a big record collection, and too much time on his hands! Anyway they split up, and we were off out one day, and she had a collection of these tapes with her to listen to on the journey. So we picked up a random one throw it in the casette and listen to some slushy love ballad start playing, at which point she went bright red, and tried to take the tape out. We left it playing, only to hear in between every single song, him declaring his love for her, and how each song made him think of her, and what he felt, but the best bit was half way through a song he turned the music down and anounced 'I want to love you back-door style' she was embarrased, we were pissing ourselves, and whenever we saw him we used to shout that out at him.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 22:27, Reply)