And the band played on... and on... and fucking on
Possibly even more tenuous than Legless’ last post. But I thought I’d share it anyway.

Last year, me and the sweary one went to a wedding in a very posh hotel. Now, before I start ranting, we did have a fantastic day, the bride and groom are very good friends, and I especially love her to bits – I met her when my life was falling apart round my ears, and she was a fantastic support. So I don’t want this to come across as denigrating in any way…

Whilst the day time was great, the evening was not quite our cup of tea, as it turned out. We knew there was a band on, and during the early evening had got talking to them out in the beer garden/bike shed. And then the sweary one asked what sort of stuff they did (their mode of dress suggested possibly some sort of light rock, which could have been acceptable – family friendly atmosphere and all that).

No.

Oh no.

“We do Tamla Motown stuff” said their leader.

Fuck.

“Oh god, I fuckin HATE Motown” blurts she before her brain can engage properly. Which, to be fair, the guy laughed off and we had a bit of a chuckle about it. Meanwhile, I’m sitting thinking that I can appreciate a lot of things that I don’t particularly care for, as long as it’s done well. “If they play their instruments well and put on a good show it could be OK”, I thought (optimistically, as it turned out).

Come the reception, the ‘band’ (a four piece) got on stage. Dressed in Motown-style identical suits. With not an instrument to be seen. Oh Jesus, they aren’t are they? Oh Christ, they are – they’re using a backing tape. There then followed 90 minutes of god-awful covers of the likes of ‘Love Train’ and ‘Build me up Buttercup’ (sorry Rakky, didn’t mean to remind you of the horror), all done with the ‘band’ swaying in perfectly synchronised, finger clicking harmony, in front of their specially constructed backdrop advertising the band’s name and how you could contact them…

I'll admit, they were OK vocally, I just can’t stand that type of entertainment – it’s glorified karaoke. To while away the torture (in my mind anyway, I’m well aware that most of the people in the room seemed to be enjoying it), I plied myself and the sweary one with overpriced bitter and cigarettes on the balcony, and prayed for the disco to come. During the break for the buffet, the DJ started playing some surprisingly well considered tunes (again, in my opinion – I’m not oblivious to the fact that I don’t have a monopoly on good taste). Depeche Mode, Yazoo, Human League, Soft Cell, Vapours, New Order, Smiths, Blancmange – and my soul perked up a little. This could be good.

To be fair, he did play some good stuff during his stint. The trouble was, in his bid to get through all of his requests (or maybe because he was just a cunt), he only played about 90 seconds of any given track, before segueing seamlessly into the next one. Much like (and here comes the tenuous link) those bloody irritating ‘medley’ compilation tapes you used to get like ‘Ultimate dance party vol. 3-fucking-hundred’ Which meant that by the time you’d fought your way to the dancefloor, having negotiated your way through a sea of carelessly discarded chairs and children, you were just getting into your groove when Rick Astley would come on and totally ruin the bastard moment.

In the end we just decided to talk to anyone we could find and laugh about it all.
Length? About five hours of quietly thinking ‘Oh for fuck’s sake’.

Cost? £800 quid for the ‘band’ apparently, and that was with a discount for ‘mate’s rates’… Jeez, I’ve got a mate who’s in a proper band with guitars and everything and they charge £250. You just can’t put a price on talent these days…

*EDIT* We did have a good night though, you make the most of these situations and we had the opportunity to chat properly to a very nice couple we'd met briefly on the stag and hen weekend. And one of my best mates had the happiest day of her life, that I was very proud to be part of.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 9:59, Reply)