Would some one please get a vet to come and put this thread to sleep?
Thx.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 12:00, Reply)

My mate and his brother got a black Labrador puppy each one Christmas.
His step-mother opened the door, and one shot in, jumped over everything, was very excitable, and was immediately claimed by his brother.

The other lolloped in, trod on the ends of his own two massive ears, somersaulted forwards arse over tit and sat on the carpet looking surprised.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:47, 3 replies)

Like you get bad children, you get bad dogs.
It's not always the owners.

Just sayin'.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:04, 2 replies)

I live with this absolute bitch
called Sarah. She has quite distinctive looks but I have to say the she has the most beautiful, soulful brown eyes.
Now I know she loves me pretty much unconditionally but living with her is no walk in the park.

I think I provide really well for her - generous amounts of the finest cuisine, the most palatial furnishings, I also lavish her with praise, I take her to the most skilled (& expensive) medical professional I could find and she easily has the most amount of room out of anybody living in the house. But I always get the feeling that she always wants more...

Our physical relationship is good if not a little "different" - she goes absolutely nuts when we play dress-up & I put a collar and lead on her, she fucking loves it when I spray her with my hose & she really gets into her watersports. She also really enjoys it when I rub her stomach and nipples with my foot.
Having said that - I insisted at the start of the relationship that I didn't want her having kids, so I paid for and took her to the appointment for her to have an hysterectomy.
We make an effort to keep fit together but it's hard because she constantly tries to push on ahead when all I really want to do is go for a quiet stroll. She also constantly follows me around pestering me when I'm with her and frequently wakes me in the middle of the night, shouting for no apparent reason.

She's very loyal but I have noticed that she slathers just as much attention on other people as she does on me (including complete strangers FFS!). I'm starting to think our relationship is not exclusive.
I know this sounds really dire, I should point out that I really do love her.

It's just that sometimes I wonder if I haven't been lumbered with a complete dog.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 4:17, 18 replies)

Lost snake
I bought a beautiful, bright pink and red albino corn snake when I was a student. I called her Lola. She was so lovely and would accompany me sometimes to the shops in my pocket, and would playfully wander about my person as I listened to music or read. I lived with 3 girls, who said they didn't mind as long as I NEVER let Lola out of her vivarium, and definitely not my room.

One day I came to feed her a pinky and she, to my total horror, had vanished. I never told the girls, and I never found Lola. Chances are she is still alive in the Sheffield terrace, eating people's mice and possibly babies if she's reached full potential.
( mookay immune to icons since, Wed 6 Feb 2013, 23:00, 3 replies)

Cat embarrassment
My wife convinced me to get a kitten, so we did, a very cute black one. I'd asked for a male, as boys are best and once they're neutered they're no trouble. Within days of having the kitten at home, and stroking his lovely fluffy tummy, I noticed that 'he' had nipples, and not just two, but two rows of them. So I called the vet.
Me: My male cat's got nipples so I'm worried he's actually female
Vet: Is that Mr Smale I'm talking to?
Me: Yes
Vet: I bet you've got nipples too.
Me: **embarassed that I could be so dim**
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 6 Feb 2013, 22:41, 6 replies)