The Gay Binman.

"Thanks Mum." I said.

We were having lunch after she'd been visiting my brothers and their ever increasing offspring. I think she wanted to make sure I knew just how much she loved me despite not having proven that my nuts are fully functioning, while both older and younger siblings had repeatedly proved theirs very much were by giving her ever more grandchildren. I'd never doubted her love for me, but she seemed to have a point to make and I had no choice but to let her make it... and then buy her lunch.

"You could be anything you like" she repeated "I'd still love you just as much as ever."

Half an hour of this had now passed and I got that my happiness was all that mattered, not what I did or who I was. I believed her as much the first as I did the fiftieth time she told me, but there was a subtext and I wasn't about to start offering guesses as to what it might be, lest I began a conversation I had no interest in having.

"I know Mum, and you know I'm happ..."

For all she knew I'd been single for a while, happily so, but I hadn't taken any girlfriends home or spoken about any someones special for a few years and this clearly got her brain moving in the way only a Mum's can. This was the first chance she'd had to speak about it for some time and speak about it she must.

"You could be a gay binman if you wanted" she revealed from nowhere "you'd still be my son and so long as you were happy then I'd be happy for you."

She was liberal, of that there was no doubt, but I realised at that moment that I'd underestimated just how determinedly liberal she'd become in her gently advancing years. It soon began to be obvious that now two of her boys had furthered the family, the other should probably be gay... not statistically, but to demonstrate just how liberal she was by pointedly not having an issue with it.

"Thanks Mum, but I'm no..."

If only one of us could have been gay or married a foreigner or been a Muslim or something, anything suitably diverse and with which she'd take no issue, then she could merrily tell anyone who cared to listen just how proud she was of her sons and how she didn't care because we were happy and she was very cool and groovy.

"I know you're not going to be a binman" she reassured me "that's not important, you could be a gay astronaut or a gay dog walker, or..."

I was in a quandary. As she continually listed things she'd be happy for me to be a gay one of I found myself trying to think of ways to not come out without breaking her heart. I just couldn't find the words to unout myself and my eyes soon glazed over while I listened dispassionately to an ever lengthening list of jobs she'd be happy for me to do, homosexually.

She eventually ran out of steam, or possible career choices, and sat back looking very pleased with herself for making it so very easy for me to tell her how happy I was with my surprising and new-found gayness. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth, it would break her heart.

"Thanks Mum." I said.
( Moey, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 16:47, 9 replies)

Ha!
My mum just pestered my brother for 'the truth' before giving up. I told her she'd made such a fuss of a girl I bought home at 16 that I decided to not tell her about each and every girl unless it was serious. She called me the next week when I was at a friends wedding.

-Can I call you back mum? I'm at a wedding.

-It's not yours is it?

Aww.
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 18:38, closed)

I'm still not sure
if my Mum was genuinely pleased or not when she met my current girlfriend... they got on well and she claimed to like her, but I'm not entirely convinced.
( Moey, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 14:16, closed)

arf!
i dumped my ex fella 3 years ago and, after 12 years of him, i'm quite happy on my own. my mum can't handle this, though. she spent most of new year's day telling the assembled family that i'm a lesbian. thanks, mum! if you wanted me to get a man, telling everyone i want a woman is the wrong way to go about it!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 18:48, closed)

Have a click
top tale that one!
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 4:55, closed)

So how DID you come out to her....
...as a binman?
(GoodLord doesn't have time for sigs., Fri 12 Feb 2010, 13:54, closed)

The smell
gave me away eventually.
( Moey, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 14:13, closed)

Ha!
I thought I was the only person who'd had to come out as straight to his determined-to-have-a-gay-son mother.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 14:36, closed)

This rings true for me too
Yep, my mum was convinced for years that I preferred the company of gentlemen to the ladies. I asked her why. Top reasons listed were:

- I ‘liked shopping’ (I used to help her with the weekly food shop – clearly I like men)
- I was 'interested in fashion’ (i.e. wore clothes that actually fit me)
- I didn't 'talk about girls' (do young boys really discuss their wank bank with their mums?)

Well I suppose it's just so obvious now.

Brilliantly, while mulling my lifestyle, she'd also turned to someone she could really trust, someone who would obviously offer her wise and sage counsel on this matter: my 11 year old brother.

Sensing an opportunity, he responded to her enquiries with casual confirmation of my sexuality - i.e. "yeah yeah, he's completely COMPLETELY gay. Didn't you know? Mum, you know Julian Clary? That's like Ask Murderer acting butch".

It has taken being with my girlfriend for 10 years and getting married (to her) this summer to shake this image, not that I have tried particularly hard to either. I think she wanted to be an 'exotic' mother of a homosexual. Sorry mum.

On the other hand, she quite likes Clare Balding, citing her professionalism. Yeah, read into that what you will. Two can play at this game.


p.s. first post/reply thingie. Phew. I will do better next time.
(Ask Murderer has resigned and is shirking - hello b3ta., Tue 16 Feb 2010, 12:55, closed)

Same
I have had to "in" myself a number of times, the latest of which was last summer, when she was at my house. The house I live in with my boyfriend of 5 years. Why did she think I had suddenly decided to embrace the ladylove? Because I'd said on Facebook that I "fucking loved" Ida Maria's album. So now liking music made by a girl makes you a lezzer. Cheers mum.

Oh, and the first time I had to break the news that I wasn't gay I was only about 11. She had completely bypassed the birds and the bees. Now THAT is an awkward conversation.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 17 Feb 2010, 14:18, closed)