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This is a question Near Death Experiences II

Freddie Woo says: I was once caught right in the middle of in an early morning high-speed 30-car pile-up on the M3, but emerged from the chaos in the only car not to have suffered a dent. My trousers told a different story, and learned that you *do* empty your bowels as Death's icy grip reaches out for you. Tell us about your audition for the Final Destination films.

Suggested by Just a Vagabond

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 12:55)
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I once worked at a Champagne vineyard and bottling plant in New Zealand. It was about 1% as glamorous as it sounds.

One day I was operating the 'thing that applies the stickers to the bottles' machine when the fork lift truck driver called me over...'Hey, could you just check what's in this pallet for me?'

I thought 'lazy cunt, can't be arsed to get out and walk the 3 yards it would take to do it himself.', but did it anyway as I'd been standing there staring at bottles slowly clink past for about 3 hours and a change is as good as a rest.

I stepped in front of the fork lift, looked up and confirmed that yes, they were the gold foiled bottles and yes, he was putting them in the right rack. I then stepped up to the side of the vehicle to tell him this when there was a massive bang as the hydraulic hose disintegrated, hundreds of bottles of fizzy wine in a wooden box on top of two metal forks suddenly had no defence against gravity and slammed about 15 feet into the ground.

Imagine a big fuck off sized party popper, but instead of being full of tissue paper and powered by a pinch of gunpowder it was full of glass bottles and powered by the pressurised liquid they contained. There was a massive cone of destruction projected out the front of the pallet as it hit the ground that would have shredded the flesh from my bones if I had stayed standing there for another 6 seconds.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:12, 33 replies)
champagne comes from champagne, you dumb cunt

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 18:43, closed)
Only if its capitalised (it means started with a capital letter), like you haven't managed.
And only then if you respect the business interests of a handful of French industrialists.

That's yet another fuck up you could have avoided with a couple of judicious keystrokes, you dumb sisterfucking cunt.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:55, closed)
it's "it's", you dumb cunt
you're the semi-literate prat who was angrily wrong about 'ass', aren't you?
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:58, closed)
here you go, pet, get mummy to read this to you
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 23:00, closed)
You need to calm down
before that dickvein on your forehead bursts.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 1:00, closed)
Ahhh - I remember now
You're that predatory homosexual who cried over being proved wrong about 'ass' aren't you?

Sorry sorry sorry, I kind of lost interest in that - are you really still upset about it?

I'll tell you what - why don't you delete my replies off that thread, make it look like you were right all along, then drop a link to it. There's bound to be someone reading this who cares.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 2:34, closed)
herp derp durrrrnnng ... you can't refer back to your upset last week in your first post then pretend you've just remembered it in the next
you dumb cunt
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 8:06, closed)
why do you keep on using homosexual/gay/queer as a derogatory term you fucking wrong cunt. Tell your gay friend
that you like to use terms for being gay, as abuse. BTW - CUNT.

ps. Not upset, never have been never will. Angry is the term.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:31, closed)
Champagne doesn't come from New Zealand, you marshmallow twat.

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 19:56, closed)
In my defence, you fisters of gibbons,
The owner of said establishment WAS originally from that particular part of France, and he called it fucking Champagne. I wasn't going to argue with the kind of man who permanently carries a corkscrew in a manner that suggests he'll shank anyone without a moment's notice.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 20:14, closed)
you don't use a corkscrew to open fizzy wine, you dumb cunt

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 20:39, closed)
Is this a record - the most trivial thing that's managed to upset you to date?

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:16, closed)
typing 'you dumb cunt' doesn't in any way indicate upset, you dumb cunt

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:48, closed)
Is this upsetting you too?
Just let it go. Trust me, nobody will think the worse of you.

Alternatively, don't, I'm not really that fussed - it's your tumor at stake.

I'm only here because my job's so boring. (See how I got back on topic?)
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 1:08, closed)
get a better job, povvo

(, Fri 16 May 2014, 8:00, closed)
You don't get high on your own supply.

(, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:08, closed)
you sound like a stupid fucking prick

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:04, closed)
He doesn't sound like a stupid fucking prick, he writes like a stupid fucking prick you stupid fucking prick
That's someone else's voice in your head.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 22:23, closed)
Very poor. Very poor, indeed.

(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:26, closed)
I have the other people on ignore, I don't know what they have said but I bet it is that
Champagne has to be from Champagne, you thick cunt.
(, Thu 15 May 2014, 21:26, closed)
I agree that Champagne is from a region in France
But don't the vineyards around the world call their piss 'Champagne' and get away with it by saying their grapes once were shown a picture of grapes from Champagne or summat?
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 7:35, closed)
nah ... even the yanks and antipodeans call it things like "champagne-style" or "method"
which is arguably wrong in any case since the method was invented in limoux.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 8:10, closed)
No, USA now has a ban on domestic being called Champagne* and the Champagne Method is
a protected term in the EU.

*pre-1995 producers can still call their product champagne but many have chosen not to, reason they believe their product superior to that French shit grown on American vine stock.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:22, closed)
The current method of making Champagne
(ie. making it fizzy) was first documented in 1662 by an Englishman, Christopher Merret, in a paper submitted to the Royal Society. He identified secondary fermentation as the reason for the sparkle and advocated adding sugar or molasses to wine to start this process. It was also the moves into industrialised glass production which gave English bottles the strength to contain the fizz. Up till then the French producers like Dom Perignon had been trying to eliminate the sparkle in the wines produced in the Champagne region, it was an unwanted reaction.

US producers of sparkling wines were able to call it Champagne because America signed but didn't ratify the Treaty of Versailles in 1918 - the French made sure the term was included to protect the devastated Champagne region and industry, and to prevent other countries taking over the Champers markets.

Just sayin'...
(, Mon 19 May 2014, 22:46, closed)
so only a hundred and thirty years after blanquette was invented in Limoux
herp derp
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 8:15, closed)
I quite enjoyed this tale of attempted murder,
notwithstanding that fact that Champagne doesn't come from New Zealand. I'm going to assume that the French export it in massive barrels, for bottling at destination.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 8:55, closed)
Yes.I pressed the like this thing. Still, Champagne - lol.

(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:23, closed)
Quite so.
Although it'd have been 46% funnier if he'd lost an eye.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:35, closed)
I prefer Prosecco, anyway.

(, Fri 16 May 2014, 9:40, closed)

prosecco lambrini
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 10:11, closed)
I've always been partial to a perry, yes.
I seem to remember getting drunk on lambrini, when I was twelve.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 11:30, closed)
babycham was the first thing I ever got pissed on
we nicked it from the cellar of my mate's mum's pub. Had to smash the tops off as we forgot to nick a bottle opener. Then she gave us a thick ear for fighting because our lips were cut.

Happy days.
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 12:10, closed)
First time I got drunk
was by hanging around the kitchen at a Christmas party, asking all the adults if I could "have a little taste of wine". Think I'd made a fairly sizeable dent in a box of Hock, by the time I was found, behind the sofa, attempting to choke my brother.
Happy days, indeed,
(, Fri 16 May 2014, 12:39, closed)

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