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This is a question Near Death Experiences II

Freddie Woo says: I was once caught right in the middle of in an early morning high-speed 30-car pile-up on the M3, but emerged from the chaos in the only car not to have suffered a dent. My trousers told a different story, and learned that you *do* empty your bowels as Death's icy grip reaches out for you. Tell us about your audition for the Final Destination films.

Suggested by Just a Vagabond

(, Thu 15 May 2014, 12:55)
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Oh my word! What a weekend I’ve just had, sweeties! Unlike any weekend that you poor humans could ever experience. I am, as a result of it, quite literally a different person! Oh my! Oh me! Ah hee hee hee!


Because, as you know, my lovely, loyal, fond, fluffy fans, I am a Time Lord, and therefore I do not die – I regenerate. I can do this twelve times, and, at the end of my thirteenth incarnation, if I make a big enough fucking fuss, the Time Lords will grant me a new regenerative cycle. And, if not, my mind will live on within the Matrix, the biggest library of pan-dimensional porn, and, indeed, poon, in the entire Universe.

I can even survive being all minced up in a wood-chipper:


But sometimes regeneration can go horridly, horridly wrong:


And sometimes – like this time – it can go wunderfully, wunderfully right!

O you should see me now, my febrile, fussy, fondant fans! So sexmous it’s UNREAL. My old body – ugh! How could I ever have been satisfied with that grey, grizzly, wrinkled old thing!

So now, let me relate the story of my latest regeneration – my latest Near Death Experience, if you will.

It happened on Saturday. I was down in Plymouth, on business, and, in the evening, I sought out – as you do – a young ‘Matlow’ (as the local ‘Janners’) have it) for some energetic, brutal anal sex. (My last incarnation was a naughty old thing! Not like me now! I’m all sweetness and light and nice as pie!)

I picked up this young chap called Wayne fresh off the boat, a real wowza blond blue-eyed looker, a swoonsome Billy Budd straight off a Player’s Navy Cut poster, beard and all. (Oh Wayne, I’m so sorry! I wish I could turn back time – but my TARDIS is broken!) I wanted to show him off before I took him back to the Invicta Hotel for buggerance, so we went to the Bank for a few pints and then to the Ganges for a slap-up sit-down. Wayne ordered a boring Chicken Bhoona, but I, ever adventurous, intrepid and daring, ordered the XXXXXX-Hot Beef Murg Phaaal with Extra Chillies.

The waiter gasped and his eyes almost popped out of his head. ‘Are you sure, Sir? This is not only the hottest curry known to Man... but the hottest curry known to Science!’

I chortled and waved him away, recalling the time I won a chilli-eating contest with a load of Pyrovilians. ‘Bring it on!’ I drawled, winking at Wayne. ‘I think you will find that I have an iron constitution. Despite my appearance I am as strong as a 100 oxen and have the bowels of a concrete Skarasen!’

True enough. My Time Lord metabolism, with its two hearts and respiratory bypass system, is far, far superior to that of you puny humans.

Or so I thought! I underestimated the power of the XXXXXX-Hot Beef Murg Phaaal with Extra Chillies. When it was brought to the table it spontaneously burst into flames, singeing the waiter's eyebrows! And everyone in the Ganges gasped in horror and admiration as I began to shovel it down with alacrity, impressing young Wayne. It was, I admit, rather on the warm side, and it did bring one or two tears to my Time Lord eyes.

I brought tears to Wayne’s eyes, Wayne’s beautiful blue human eyes, after the meal when I took him back to the Invicta, greased him up, and buggered him half to death (I was a beast in my last incarnation!)

Afterwards, as we both lay back in the warm afterglow of our love, I began to discern rumblings of disquiet from below. The XXXXXX-Hot Beef Murg Phaaal with Extra Chillies was beginning to make its presence felt! I don’t like to be vulgar, in my new incarnation, so, suffice it to say that I let out a series of farts so stupendous in their volume, duration and odour that afterwards all intergalactic flatulence records lay as smashed as poor Wayne’s ringpiece.

We both lay stunned in the fetid miasma, struggling to breathe, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Wayne reach for his cigarettes and lighter, no doubt to commence the ritual of the post-coital smoke.

‘Wayne – NO!’ I screamed.

Too late.

There was a colossal WHUMPPP and Everything. Went. BLANK.

When I came round, it was morning. I was lying on a bed covered with ashes next to the still-smoking corpse of Wayne. (Oh Wayne! I’m so sorry, honey! But thank you from the bottom of my hearts for precipitating this regeneration, it was about time for it!) In a flash I remembered the fateful events of the night before. My hands touched my legs, my sides, to feel firm, warm flesh. I was intact! But how? Then I realised. I had regenerated!

I sat up in the bed. New teeth – yes, that other Doctor is right, teeth are the first thing a Time Lord becomes aware of in their newly regenerated body, and it does feel weird.

I gazed down at my new body, seeing pale, petite feet, long, shapely, slender legs – and, between them, a V of fuzzy curly black hair. My hands went to my chest, where they encountered a pair of small, but firm, breasts.

The first words of a Time Lord’s new incarnation should be witty, wise, portentous, meaningful and weighted with truth and wisdom and all things great.

Mine were: ‘Ooh! I’ve got boobies! Ha ha! Ha ha haaa! Boobies!’

Rather obviously, my new incarnation was female!

I sat there jiggling my new boobs and laughing to myself for a while, and then leapt off the bed to examine myself. The last time I’d been female, I was a tall, curvaceous, ivory-skinned, green-eyed, copper-haired goddess. In this incarnation – my ninth, I think, though you can never be sure - I was again tall, but slender and gangly, not really curvy, with small, but firm, breasts. My hair was long, wavy and black, and my face was triangular and rather cute, with bright blue rather cold-looking eyes, a snub nose and a wicked smile. Think Audrey Hepburn crossed with Jacqueline Pearce.

I then quickly dressed and ran downstairs to sort things out with the hotel, putting the explosion down to a faulty gas-miser or something (so excited I forget the details!)

Then I returned home to choose my costume (kinky boots, tight blue jeans, white shirt, black leather pilot jacket) and have a think. Regeneration always makes a Time Lord have a good old sort out of his – her – life, and so it was with me. Obviously I had to chuck in my job – there was no way I could ever explain my change of appearance, and gender, to my employers! I fired off a quick email to close that loop, and am now unemployed. I have enough funds to support myself for a while and foresee no problems in finding new employment, in fact, things are moving pretty swiftly on that front, sweeties!

So I have a lot of time on my hands right now, plenty of opportunity to tell stories here, a pastime I know my previous incarnation loved and one which I will keep up cos it seems like such jolly fun!

Maybe this regeneration will have shaken my mind up a bit and I’ll be able to fix my TARDIS and leave this planet once and for all – or maybe even breach the omnivoox and return to my own reality.

But don’t worry, until then, I’ll be here for you, sweeties!

Your same old, BRAND NEW, SUPER SMEXY Doctor Skagra!

(, Tue 20 May 2014, 22:14, 14 replies)
Actually laughed several times at this.
The poon reference was enjoyable too.
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 22:30, closed)
Aw thanks sweetie
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 23:30, closed)
Gosh, I love energetic, brutal anal sex
You get a click for bringing back some fond memories of being buggered into next week and waking up feeling nothing but scattered ash and tits...
(, Tue 20 May 2014, 22:36, closed)
Glad to be of service

(, Tue 20 May 2014, 23:31, closed)
Pansexual wank fantasises ahoy!
Best story this week, have a click from me.
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 7:05, closed)
I aim to please
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 8:15, closed)
Poor version of River what's her name.
At least try to be original rather than a cheap carbon copy.
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 12:13, closed)
because of course
there can only be one female time lord.

Sorry sweetie you lose

only one
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 12:26, closed)

Point totally missed.

Try again.
(, Wed 21 May 2014, 13:18, closed)
I'm sorry sweetie
have another Kiss from sexy me

(, Wed 21 May 2014, 13:54, closed)


(, Wed 21 May 2014, 14:18, closed)
If your very nice
I might tell you of the time me in my first female incarnation, River, both Romanas, Chancellors Flavia and Thalia, Rodan and The Rani had this massive lesbian lick-out party, it was wunderfull!

but only if youre very very nice

(, Wed 21 May 2014, 17:04, closed)

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