My house backs onto a field
and last week, a group of around 16 travelling people, housed in just two caravans, moved into the field. I kept a close eye on them as I know they have a reputation for robbing, vandalism, physical and mental abuse,hosting dog fights and not washing. I took the liberty of recording a diary of events that happened, and this is just one extract:

8am: I was woken rather abruptly by shouting coming from behind my house. On looking out of the window I saw two large caravans parked up in the farmers’ field. Numerous flea ridden dogs were barking at one another, kids were throwing stones at cars as they drove past and there were adults sat idly around smoking, and drinking strong lager. I also witnessed a 30-something year old lady squatting over a bucket and releasing a torrent of what I can only describe as ‘gravy’. The pikeys have officially landed.

8.10am: I had to duck down quickly as one of the main pikey men saw me spying. I burnt my forehead on the radiator and had to apply a damp flannel. I held this in place with a bulldog clip attached to my fringe so I had both hands at the ready, should I need to use them. The children were called by the elder lot for breakfast and they sat round a fire under a gazebo to eat.

8.20am: The gazebo caught alight and in turn set fire to one of the older, slower dogs. 3 men and a teenage boy threw the burning remnants of both the dog and the gazebo over the fence of a neighbour who lives 2 door down from me. Luckily, it landed in the pond. I went down for breakfast; poached egg on toast.

8.50am: I saw two pikey girls aged around 16 jacking up behind one of the caravans. One appeared to have a small goatee beard. I wondered if they could be part of a circus. My thoughts were interrupted with the sight of one dog tearing a rabbit to shreds, whilst the rest of the pikey clan whooped and cheered with joy. The rabbit was then skinned and given to the children to play with. They used it a football. One boy kicked it with such force, the rabbit liver shot out and landed on the roof of one of the caravans.

9.35am: Numerous beer cans littered the field now. I contemplated phoning the police but thought I’d observe a little longer. 3 of the younger children decided to drop their trousers and bare their backsides to me. All 3 had worms, I could see them dangly free quite clearly, even at a distance. One of the younger pikeys pulled one free and hurled it into my back garden. It seemed to stretch out as it flew through the air.

9.45am: I moved into the back garden to get a closer look. I have a nice peep hole in the back fence. Music was now blaring from the make shift camp site, it sounded like that new rave techno shit all the kids seem to be listening to nowadays. I accidentally trod on the tapeworm. It was slippery and of a rubbery texture. It looked like a cross between a condom and a jellyfish but smelt like Swindon. I nearly vomited but managed to contain it which caused a burning sensation in my stomach.

10.00am: The lady who I had previously seen relieving herself in a bucket ran over to one of her friends, who was sat upright on the floor, with her back against the wheel of the caravan. She had a distressed look on her face and was panting and sweating quite alarmingly. She had a rather nice red and yellow chequered dress on though, with a dandelion in her hair.

10.03am: Said lady gave birth and followed through at the same time. The dogs began the clean-up operation whilst the men opened a can of lager each in celebration. The sound of Whigfield now filled the air.

10.15am: As all the family crowded round the newest member of their pikey clan, the two biggest men, both in their late forties, overweight and with lumberjack style shirts on, made their way inside one of the caravans. They appeared a few minutes later carrying something wrapped in a blanket. The blanket was put onto the grass and unfurled, revealing a small, disfigured cripple boy. The young lad smiled at the baby, and then pulled a tuft of hair from his own head, and a tooth from his mouth before crawling into a small puddle. His legs look like they were fused together, like some sort of freakish mermaid. He had sores and welts covering his scaly skin.

10.25am: Some of the other children began prodding the freak with bamboo canes. I admit I laughed a little when one of them gouged his eye! This was the highlight of my morning as not much else happened for the rest of it, only foul language and the consumption of more alcohol. I made my way back inside to play scalextric and make an artichoke sandwich.

2.00pm: I must have dozed off. I awoke to the smell of burning. I searched for the source of this smell and through the glass pane in my front door could see a small fire. I opened the door and stamped manically on the fire to put it out. Eventually I succeeded. I was about to go back inside when two pikey children decided to pop up from behind my front wall and hurl faeces at me. I cowered behind my wheely bin until they had run out of ammunition, the last of which cannoned off the wall behind me and landed, still steaming, next to my shoe.

2.10pm: I ran back inside my house and went back to the upstairs window. Two cars were now in the field, a blue Austin Maestro and silver Vauxhall Cavalier. I couldn’t see if they had tax discs from where I was, but I doubt they did. There was also a frail donkey, a small tent had been set up, and a naked man in a wizards hat. This disturbed me somewhat. I could hear him shouting “Come on children, who wants to play with my wand?!”

2.15pm: The naked wizard man disappeared inside the tent with 2 children, a girl and a boy, whilst their parents looked on. I assumed wizard man to be a relative. A bonfire was lit and most of the other pikeys started throwing deodorant cans onto this. As they exploded, the kids were jumping out of the way. I noticed the small freak laughing manically under one caravan.

2.45pm: The bearded lady also gave birth and the previous ritual was carried out. Wizard man offered his congratulations by knocking his helmet across the chops of the mum thrice, before disappearing back into his tent. One pikey, who I presumed to be the dad, lit a roll up and nodded in appreciation. The mum looked tired from giving birth but exuberant. Her dress was tattered and her withered breasts could be clearly seen. I took a couple of polaroids.

3.30pm: One of the teenage boys turned up on a tractor, obviously stolen from the farmers’ yard. A few of the younger girls started throwing sanitary towels at him so he chased them around the campsite, narrowly missing the crippled child who was now rolling around on the ground, wrapped in his duvet. He reminded me of a large grub worm as he moved about.

4.04pm: Most of the children were now on the rampage, pulling down the fences that separate the gardens from the field. These were being used as firelight. An elderly gentleman from up the road went to remonstrate but was forced back into his house by one of the dads, who picked up a rake and began thrusting it aggressively towards him. I heard the smashing of at least two windows and I was very nervous that my property may get damaged as well. I decided to call the police, who confirmed to me that they had already received several complaints and were on their way already.

4.30pm: On their way my arse! The police finally arrived to the field which was now burnt, littered and covered in putrid mess. I was surprised as the pikeys moved on with minimum fuss. Initially, a few glass bottles were hurled at the police cars, but when the police retaliated and shot the wizard man in the knee cap, the pikeys’ fun was over. Unfortunately, so was mine. Whilst I was scared at the thought of these people entering me and my house, it was exciting to watch, and I got some great photos of the occasion. I still hope they never come back though.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:11, 12 replies)

You, my friend, are severly fucked in the head
Awesome, *clicks*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:36, closed)

Is it just me...
Or does anyone else really want to see those photos??
( Fat Fred too weird to live, too rare to die, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:38, closed)

A work of art.
*Click*
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 15:55, closed)

This is the internet
You can't say you have pics but not post them.
(MyFakeName, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 16:22, closed)

i'd pay good money to see that movie

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 17:11, closed)

Pics...
or it didn't happen.
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 17:52, closed)

Clicks for tapeworm that smells of Swindon

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 18:51, closed)

You
scare me. Although having lived near a travellers site, mose of this wouldn't overly surprise me. Have a click!
(berk, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 20:00, closed)

Plagiarism!
Ripped off from The Diary of Arthur Bagall.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 0:05, closed)

That is me!
Check the profile
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 8:52, closed)

Ha ha!
Plagiarism Accusation Fail!
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:45, closed)

Tip top job, sir
Great read as always. Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 11:08, closed)