Pretty Epic but it is all true!
I once lived on an ordinary little street in Surrey where the lawns were well kept and the neighbourhood was a little well to do. Or at least it was until a few years ago. My neighbours V and P were a very uppity couple, he was a director of some company while she was a stay at home housewife to look after their only child a tubby little tantrum throwing bugger that had no respect for anything. I am not going to bitch about the usual toddler trouble we had at first but then it all went tits up as a relative of my neighbours died in a car accident and as P was the closest relative they were dumped with the kid, also another little troublesome sod.

As they grew up the two kids seemed to go different ways P’s son picked up a few hangers on and would go around terrorising the neighbourhood while the other one H would drift around aimlessly looking like he was up to something shifty looking thinner and thinner each time I saw him…..My guess is he was on drugs but he was quite polite when he spoke to you.

The neighbours house started to look a little unkempt and various vermin must have infested the place as all the local night time wildlife was always spotted nearby hunting for food.

Anywhoo my guess one of the kids did something seriously wrong as the whole family left pretty sharpish one morning and didn’t return for a few days. When they did come back H was not with them and had been sent to some form of reform school.

H was back every summer and when he did come back trouble would also follow, whether it be him and P’s son fighting, something being blown up or shady looking blokes turning up dressed quite scuffily. One night I looked out to see H carrying the fat waste of space son home, my guess is that they had started fighting and I was quite surprised as H was a weedy little bugger when compared to the tubby son.

I realised it would be better to move on after last summer. I was enjoying a quiet night in when all of a sudden I noticed some movement outside. Fearing for damage on my beloved car I moved over to the window and saw a bunch of fully grown blokes on next doors lawn. They were dressed in robes firing weapons (I don’t know if it was a handgun or a flare gun for god’s sake it was dark and I am a bloke in middle management from Surrey) my guess is that they were also throwing fireworks at each other (There were all sorts of colours going off) . I must have been lacking in sleep as I was sure I saw a number of people who looked like H, not similar I actually mean that they all looked the sodding same.

Anywhoo after the ruckus (When I was sure everyone had gone) I called the police, went outside, cleaned up the charred remains of the burnt owl corpse on my lawn and called my local estate agent to get the place sold off.

I live in Barnsley now and the area may be a little rowdy at times but it was nothing compared to the things that happened in Privet Drive.

Apologies for lack of Quidditch.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 10:52, 12 replies)

Fucks sake
I only got it on the last sentence
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 10:57, closed)

this
and I'm currently on the 4th book....
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 16:43, closed)

I got it as second paragraph
Not bad though.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 11:02, closed)

I got it on the third sentence.
Amusing all the same.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:14, closed)

oh bloody hell
didnt get it until Privet drive


doh

and clicks
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:24, closed)

BRILLIANT!
But I refuse to click as it's HP related.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:46, closed)

I have no idea what the fuck you just said
but if it's Harry Potter-related you should be deeply, deeply ashamed of yourself
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:11, closed)

should be ashamed of myself
but I aint.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:25, closed)

Oh for fuck's sake

( rofl harris, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:28, closed)

Bloody hell
I had you at "Car accident"... nice one!
(stimpy, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:15, closed)

^this

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 21:46, closed)

Aaaaaargh
Aaaaaarghgarglegarglefrothaaaaaargh
( Doctor Fruitbat wishes fruitbats could really be doctors, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 20:52, closed)