The Mudderfuggin' Sweeny!
First ever post, so hello!

It's 1996. Wednesday night. Three days ago friends and I won a bottle of tequila in a pub quiz. Two hours ago we were doing slammers. Evidently, I had more of a taste for them than the others. In between then and now we'd arrived at a local club, but I needed some air so I staggered into the darkness outside.

I remember leaning against a fence for sometime, then realising that vomit was unavoidable and sought out a handy spot. Handy spot was determined to be the bottom of a stairwell in the multistory carpark next to the club. Stomache emptied I move on into the carpark, theorising that I'll get better air up here... I stagger towards a car and very suddenly I hear an engine fire up, accellerate and screechingly skid to a stop a few yards from me. Two guys in shellsuits get out. I raise my hands:

"Don't hurt me" I drunkenly say. "We're police" they reply flopping out a badge in about as cool a manner as a guy in a shellsuit can.

"Someones been tampering with that car" they gesture.

It's worth reiterating at this point that I am completely fucked and can barely stand up. I protest my innocence and they don't want to believe me (no doubt because the Sweeny skidding Sierra entrance can only be used in the case of hardcore car thiefs and to waste it on a two-bit drunk is a crime in itself). I distinctly remember saying "I'm drunk, I've been sick in the stairwell, go look if you don't believe me.". The bigger of the two goes out to check whilst the smaller ratty looking guy asks me where I've been etc. Big fella comes back chastising me for being disgusting and what about the kids with their parents tomorrow morning etc, to which I reply "get me a bucket and I'll clean it up for you!". He's not too happy and is pacing around a bit and trying desperately to make me feel very small but the gab gift isn't failing me that night and I have an answer to everything. Then, ratty looking guy appears to be about to cut his losses and let me go. Whilst shaking his hand I say "Nice to meet you, it's a shame your mate's a bit of a cunt..." Then, completely unexpectedly, or perhaps it should have been very expected, I am grabbed from behind by the "bit of a cunt" and bundled into the car and taken straight to the station.

Obviously, they let me go shortly afterwards (what exactly is the charge officer?)but not until after I've made my favourite accidental pun of all time. Whilst emptying my pockets I counted the money, which amounted to 8p in 1's and 2's. "It's not as though I don't trust you with a couple of coppers..." I say looking up at them. "...even though you're a couple of coppers". They weren't amused. No sense of humour these folks.

Apologies if that was long.
(Demis CousCous, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 13:32, 5 replies)

Outstanding work!
Keep it up!
(Document Pocket, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 13:49, closed)

duly clicked
Brilliant.
( rofl harris, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 14:10, closed)

He he he!
*click*
( splorp ®, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 14:43, closed)

Great 1st effort
And an extra click for calling the irate copper a cunt.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 15:05, closed)

Thanks for the replies folks. For the record the only other time I was arrested was after drinking copious amounts of free alcohol, sitting on a flimsy fence at my friends urging, breaking it and being arrested for allegedly kicking it to bits, which I certainly didn't do, being unable to even stand at the time and frankly not of that nature.

The next morning, for they kept me in all night to sleep enough to be interviewed, they asked be how I was doing. I replied "I'm ok, just feeling a bit hard done by, no offence".

Two arrests, two bad puns.
(Demis CousCous, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 15:03, closed)