My life is a episode of the Benny Hill show.
Some of you might be aware of an annual cancer fund raising event called the Playtex Moonwalk. Every year, hundreds of women in their underwear take a sponsored walk in the early hours of the morning to raise money for charity; they do it in Hyde Park these days to avoid letchers like me, but they used to do it in Battersea and the surrounding streets.

Anyway, a few years ago I went off to a party in Vauxhall on balmy May night. A good time was had by all, although I have to confess to feeling oh, so old in a room where I was one of the very oldest people. By 2:30am I was merrily squiffy and, the party being only about 30 minutes walk from my house, I decided to stroll off home. I walked out of the flat, up to Vauxhall station, and turned onto Nine Elms Lane. And there, striding purposefully towards me, were several hundred women in their underwear taking part in the Moonwalk.

I walked all the way home against the flow of a migrating herd of young women in their bras and each and every one of them, I swear, gave me a hostile little look with a thought balloon over her head that said, simply, "pervert". I was quite glad to turn off the main road and head to my flat.
I arrived at the door.
I put my hand in my pocket.
I had an awful moment of realisation.
My keys, I realised, were in my bedroom, and betwen me and them were two locked doors.
Having no choice, I turned around, and began the half hour walk back to Vauxhall. Walking back down Nine Elms Lane, I discovered that the Moonwalk had reached it's midway point and was heading back towards Battersea Park. For the second time in half an hour I was presented with the now familiar sight of hundreds of scantily clad women striding purposefully towards me.

I could hear the thoughts radiating from them, as they did little double takes looking as they passed me: "It's that pervert again!" they all thought. All of them. I bet.

I confess for a moment that I considered turning and running, until I realised that if I did, the saxophone would start up and we'd all start running. So instead, I once again had to walk for several miles against the flow of lingerie-clad womenfolk. I didn't know where to look. Honest.

Like I say, my life is an episode of The Benny Hill Show.

Not that I'm complaining.
(davywavy, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:04, 10 replies)

That's utterly bizarre
and comical at the same time.

You fucking old perv :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:13, closed)

I cannot click this hard enough.
This should definitely, definitely win everything ever. Brilliant!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:03, closed)

^This
With knobs out on.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 12:00, closed)

did you get photos?
you were already labelled, you may as well have...
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:52, closed)

Hahahaha
^What she said^
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 15:10, closed)

That's brilliant
I used to work for the agency that PR'd it, but wasn't allowed to work on the account. Girls only.
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 14:18, closed)

This is rather good.
Although I can't help wanting to "tut" loudly at any woman who a) wants to walk around in her underwear but b) doesn't want to be looked at.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 14:21, closed)

I don't understand that either.
I'm not a woman but I know that if I were and I were to walk around scantily clad then, even if I considered myself unnatractive, some guys would want to look.
Similarly, if I were to walk down the street in only my boxers I'd expect some laughing and pointing from female observers about my small "package" (because women are, generally, not as pervy as guys).
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 17:51, closed)

women aren't as pervy as guys?
you're fucking joking, aren't you?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 18:05, closed)

They're pervy in different ways, and more fussy.
In my experience at least.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 20:03, closed)