In which I panic about Facebook
This only happened last Wednesday and is still making me cringe at the thought of what might have happened.

I was home alone, so like every bloke does in that situation, and rolled my dice. As I was about to throw a double-six, I hit upon a cracking idea. I grabbed my phone, started the camera and filmed the happy ending with the intention of emailing it to Mrs Sandettie for her viewing pleasure when she went on her break at work and checked her phone. The plan being that she'd see it, get the hint and then later that evening treat me to ten minutes peace and quiet.

I put my camera down and then realised I was without cloth or tissue. It then hit me. Earlier on I was messing about with the settings on my phone, and there was a feature whereby when I took a picture, it would upload it to Facebook. I couldn't remember if I had disabled the feature. Nor could I think if it only applied to pictures or it would do video as well.

Panic set in. Every second I sat there, my phone could be streaming data up to the Facebook servers before displaying it on my Wall for everyone to see me spilling Aphrodite's evostick. I opened up the gallery, located the video and deleted it.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!

I stood up, and my jeans slid down my leg, I hoisted them up enough to wedge them against my hips so they wouldn't slide back down, and I shuffled through to the hallway where the broadband router was plugged in, my rapidly deflating member still drooling as I went, all the while balancing a small amount of man-goo on the clenched fist. Passing through the kitchen, I grabbed the tea-towel and wiped my hand before casting it onto the floor.

I got to the router and switched it off. Hoping that
a: I'd cut off the connection so any upload would fail and
b: Nobody came to the front door.

I fastened my jeans properly and went back through to retrieve my phone. As I turned to go back, I heard the high-pitched squeal of our front gate being opened. Someone was coming, I glanced back and saw no one. It was next door's gate. My relief was short-lived however.

I picked my phone up to notice that the little wireless symbol had disappeared from the display and had been replaced with '3G'.

"ARRGGHHH!!" my brain shrieked. The crafty twat had sidestepped me, reconnected and was still uploading. I went to shut the phone down. This brings up a small menu. With my hands trembling with nerves I pressed silent mode by mistake. It took a good seconds to bring that menu up again and I pressed shutdown. Had I been quick enough?

I sat down and opened Facebook to check. If it was there, I could remove it quickly before anybody had a chance to see it.

"Problem loading page. Server not found. etc etc".

What?? I clicked the Try Again button. Nothing. Then I realised, the router was off. Oh christ. I picked up my phone and turned it back on. My phone takes a fucking century to start up. Well 30 seconds anyway. "Fuck this" I thought, and ran through to the hallway again and turned on the router. I went and sat back down.
The computer was still fannying about trying to get a connection but my phone was back on. I opened the Facebook App and checked. Nothing there.

Finally I brought up the site on the computer and yes, there was nothing there. I collapsed back in overwhelming relief. But I will still unsure. I sat there for almost an hour, occasionally pressing F5 to see if anything changed.

Now I was damn glad nobody saw me.

That night in bed, I related the story to my wife who just called me a 'scruffy get' and then burst out laughing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 16:28, 8 replies)

Epic
You filthy cunt
(TheColonel, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 16:43, closed)

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
you dirty fucker!
;-)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 28 Jan 2011, 17:28, closed)

This
to win :D
(Miquaight Pew pew laser bears, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 19:49, closed)

Clicks
For also feeling the panic while reading
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 0:20, closed)

own goal?
I was without cloth or tissue. It then hit me.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 6:58, closed)

Aces!
The suspense was killing me towards the end!
(Hairy Bob, Sat 29 Jan 2011, 23:43, closed)

brilliantly written
i got a bit panicked just reading it
(augsav forgot about B3ta, Sun 30 Jan 2011, 8:34, closed)

Would it not have made sense...
... to knock the batteries out of the phone first, cleaned up and then worried about the details?

*click* for a well-told tale, nonetheless
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 16:54, closed)