I was an 11-year-old tubby spaz who liked reading and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I also thought Charles and Eddie made good music.
Despite this catalogue of personal shitness, I had a friend who was awesome. He was in the year above, could bench press 100lb, dribble a basketball between his motherfucking legs, and had pubes, for fuck's sake. Radical.

One day, just on a whim cos he was fucking wizard like that, my friend tossed me one of his basketball vests from a folded pile. "Keep it, I've got loads," he casually said.

Fucking. Hell.
I was now a bitch-titted Wesley Snipes. Street-court hustler par excellence. This baggy vest was never coming off. I made a solemn vow to myself to wear it to bed every night, so that I might absorb its inherent brilliance.

True to my word, that night I crawled into bed in full slam-dunking regalia. Flicked the tv on – it was Quantum Leap. Life, I thought, gets no better. Then bloody hell, mum has to come in and tuck me in. For goodness sake mum, I'm like ELEVEN, and a total bad-ass. I don't need tucking in.

Nevertheless, tuck me in she does before popping back downstairs. Then, weirdly, about five minutes later my father came into my bedroom.
"Just thought I'd tuck you in as well, son."
What the fuck? He never does this. It's completely beyond his remit. Knots, darts, and oxtail soup are the only fatherly things he has to offer. This, I thought, is highly irregular.
His perfunctory, rough-handed interpretation of tucking-in left a lot to be desired, and after a few seconds huffing and rearranging my duvet, off he fucked, leaving me to Dr Sam Beckett and dreams of shooting three-pointers from downtown.

In the morning, the bizarre 'loving father' charade was playing on my mind. "Mum," I enquired through a typically large mouthful of Coco Pops, "after you tucked me in last night, why did dad come and do it as well a couple of minutes later?"

"Oh," she muttered cagily. "Well, erm, it was that vest you see … Errr, I asked him to come and take a look, because … well, I thought you were wearing one of my bras."

The whole family felt it best to ignore one another for the rest of the day.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 10:37, 8 replies)

Ha ha ha
Just what an 11-year old boy wants to hear
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 10:43, closed)

The most bewildering thing is
what the fuck did he plan to do if I was wearing a bra?
Shout "Ha, poofter!" and hit me with a towel?

I really wish they'd just asked.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:02, closed)

Fucking fantastic.
*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 10:45, closed)

Cheers!

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:02, closed)

What's wrong with Charles and Eddie?

( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:01, closed)

I think they're long overdue a critical reassessment

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 11:08, closed)

They were a bit crap
But at least they were honest.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 15:10, closed)

Oh dear.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 15:44, closed)

Yes!
Love it *click*
(stewiegriffin, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:32, closed)

hahahaha :D
crushed in one sentence :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:40, closed)