ive worked with some very difficult children with varying degrees of what psychologists call 'behavioural problems', ive also raised (despite what my contributions to this thread might suggest) a very well adjusted son of my own...biggest thing to learn when working with kids is "know your child" - sounds like you do to me, the world and his wife will wanna have their say and im sure intervene / give dirty looks if she tantrums in public, but ur 'holding' technique is a tried and trusted method for control and one that staff in childrens homes are trained to do with out getting themsleves hurt (ok its called restraint but its essentially the same idea)- basic psychology says that all behaviours are reactions, you know what shes reacting to (cloud #2)so it might not seem like it atm but in that regard you are halfway there...i wish u luck, it may be a long hard road - but hey no-one said bein a parent was easy, or if they did they were lying
(dirtycowgirl saw underworld and they blew me away, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 18:06, 1 reply)

Indeed.
Being a parent is extremely challenging, especially if you're doing it right.
( Wanderer, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 23:22, closed)

Parenting right?
I'd have to say, in my advanced state of old age and disrepair (accelerated by fatherhood) that I don't know if I've ever done anything in this part of my life "right".

The only thing I can hope is that I've done the "least bad" at any particular moment in time.

He and I get on like a house on fire, so I haven't effed it up too badly. Yet.
(Large Hardon Collider Bah Bloody Humbug, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 1:18, closed)

Sorry, I was being a bit flip in giving such a short response.
What I should have said is that being a parent is never easy if you're making the right choices. I remember reading one of the Travis McGee novels ("Pale Gray For Guilt"), in which Meyer comments that the right thing to do is invariably the hardest. (Exact phrasing: “In all emotional conflicts the thing you find hardest to do is the thing you should do.” —Meyer’s Law) I've often reflected on that, and believe that he's right. In any ethical situation, the easy way out is almost never the morally right thing to do.

Translating that to parenthood, doing the thing that's easiest for you as a parent is seldom what really should be done. As a parent you're not in a popularity contest, you're trying to teach your kid how to survive on his/her own when you're not around to guide them. That means saying no to buying them whatever they want so that they don't grow up to blow all their cash on stupid stuff; it means rousting them out of bed on the weekend to rake leaves and making them do their daily chores so that they learn a work ethic; it means denying them things like a car that they really want as a teen so that they can learn what it means to work for something.

Spoiling a child and giving them everything that they want will only cause them grief later in life. Letting them have their way every time they tantrum will result in no self control as an adult, with predictably dire consequences. Being a "cool parent" who hangs out with them as a friend results in them not having a true role model to look up to later in life.

My kids have all hated me at one time or another, but as they've gotten older they've come to appreciate what I did for them and how I've raised them as they look at their peers. All of them can work a job and earn money, they can all cook for themselves and keep house, they can all change their car's oil and swap out a flat tire, they all know how to save for the future- and they all know that ultimately they'll be okay as a result. They've all made their peace with me now, and that's the greatest reward of all- that they're able to care for themselves, and are comfortable with their relationship with me.

None of us are perfect, and I've certainly made mistakes with them along the way, but overall I think I've done pretty well by them.
( Wanderer, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 4:52, closed)

I think he's doing ok
In that he realises spoiling has gone on and now serious efforts are in play to stop it.

Greencloud - I think someone has already mentioned restraint - I can't find a video on youtube but the way teachers are trained to restrain a child who is kicking off safely is to get their wrists in the soft bit of skin between finger and thumb so you can't accidentally pinch or squeeze too hard, pin their wrists either behind their back or by their sides with the adult stood behind them, then get your hip in the small of their back. Having had this done to me as a demo it's very effective, you really can't struggle out of it easily and it's very hard to accidentally hurt the child. As they are facing away from you and all your body parts are well away from theirs it's very difficult for them to bite or kick as well! Apparently you can also sit down with them in this hold until they've calmed down. Might be worth a try if she's actually biting.

Another suggestion (bearing in mind I don't know what you've tried and what has or hasn't worked already!) is the old rewards based system tagged onto essentially a punishment. Every time she kicks off take away one of her favourite toys (yes, I'm well aware the first couple of times this is going to make things much worse, but bear with me), so the toy deprivation in itself is the punishment rather than a time out (although the first few times she will kick off so will need a time out as well) but make it clear that if she behaves she can "earn" her confiscated toys back. Make the behaviour you expect clear, don't just tell her she can have it back "when she behaves". Suggestions would be if she can get through the rest of the evening without having another tantrum, or if she cleans her teeth and gets ready for bed on her own the first time you ask her to.

I don't know if any of that will be any help at all and I'm not a parent so can't offer my own experiences, sadly. However my mum has been an infant teacher for nearly 40 years and coped with some horrific behaviour and she's one of the best people I know for advice when it comes to children so I'm learning from the best!

Good luck.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 10:47, closed)