The group agreed that the wood was a much shorter route
and set off along the path deep into the trees.

The bright moonlight kept their way well lit, and they noticed a strange shiny object lying on the leaves. Bending over (a position she was well used to) Lampers picked up the object. "It's a paperclip" she exclaimed, "how odd!" Amberl, Jeff and Crunchy soon noticed there were more leading down the path. Giving the scent to his trusty Poodles they followed the trail to a small cottage built out of stationery supplies. "I think I've heard of this place" Crunchy said nervously "I think it's the lair of the Chomp, I don't think we should stay here and make haste to The Cocktail Lust Bar"

Suddenly the forest fell dark and it felt to our travellers that the trees were moving in and spinning around them trapping them, forcing them to run into the little cottage and slamming the door shut.

"Ah, welcome" said a silky voice "can I interest you in some water from the cooler?" The group peered at the strange little man sat on a throne of staplers with a crown of pencils (standard issue HB with rubbers on the end) "What is this place?" asked Amberl nervously. The Chomp laughed, a cold cruel sound "Why it's your new home!"

Suddenly two figures dressed in long robes burst through the door "Stop!" one of them cried "I have just gained a +1 rapist sword and my friend here has +2 rohypol immunity"
"The fabeled LARPers!" Jeff cried, they once saved one of my poodles!

"And now we are here to save you" said the taller, lowering his hood to reveal a rather fetching mohawk. "We just need to get the 45 sided dice out Slaying Related Incident, do you have the game cards on you?" Incident patted her pockets "I think I have them somewhere" she turned them out revealing several dice, a get out of jail free card, a small plastic mouse and a domino, "in here somewhere she muttered"

"We don't have time for this" cried Lampers and turned punching The Chomp square in the jaw. "But we are on a quest to find out what terrible smell is blighting all of B3topia, will you join us?"

To nominate a B3tan to feature in the next instalment press one and then say the name of the b3tan clearly
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:34, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

1 Blousie and Berk

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:37, Reply)

1
WOOKIEE
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:39, Reply)

I hurt from laughing :(
I nominate Monty to join the quest
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:39, Reply)

1 Edmund and Bert

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:41, Reply)

they will have to feature later they're barred from the cocktail place

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:42, Reply)

Okay Cavern Master.
Understood.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 0:44, Reply)

The bright neon sign of The Cocktail Lust Lounge (yeah I'm changing the name)
was clearly visible as the group came to the end of the forest.

Oh thank goodness! Exclaimed Jeff, my bladder is near bursting point! Running into the Lounge they were greeted by the sensual tones of Clendrix singing on stage and a packed audience listening.

Lusty smiled at the tired group "Hello Sexy people!" she cried "and welcome to my Cocktail lounge, drinks are on the house and you look like you need one" Sitting at the bar was Monty, returned from his trip and arguing loudly with an empty bottle that the problem with modern society was the fact everyone was a cunt.

"Oh don't mind him" Blousie smiled, "He's on large drugges"
"LOOK OUT" cried Jeff "You appear to be on fire! and my tank is empty dammit" grabbing a pitched of water off the nearest table he threw it over blousie, her tight white shirt soon becoming see through "oh Jeff! My hero!" she cooed "I apologise for getting you all wet there" he mumbled. "that's ok I have a change of clothes out back, why don't you join me"

Back at the bar the group were blissfully unaware of the events unfolding behind them as Berk the scientist and Wooks the alcoholic had been catching up with the events that had led them to the bar "this is most interesting" said Berk scribbling notes in her lab diary "a smell that covered the entire land and appears to be mildly toxic"

Indeed said Amberl, "we are currently looking for the great traveller Noel in hope he will have seen something to help us"
"You haven't heard?" said Wooks sadly "he was recently given a widescreen TV and hasn't moved from his sofa in three weeks. He has more chins than Lab nowadays"

The group fell silent and drank to the loss of one of the tripod members. "We must keep moving" said Crunchy finally "it's what... it's what he would have wanted"

Berk suddenly started frantically calculating, "I think it may originate from one of two places she said"

To go to the Castle press 1
To go to the Cock Shaped Mansion of the B3topia Mayor press 2
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:03, Reply)

Are you an idiot 2
also the Monty thing is a little too close to home. He spent half an hour ranting about smackheads and then tried to tap my veins.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:05, Reply)

I'm sorry for making you relive the fact you had to spend half an hour with Monty
I also apologise for my shocking use of speech marks
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:09, Reply)

Being locked in a kitchen with Lusty more than made up for things.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:10, Reply)

I'm sad I missed the door kicking in incident
I as having fun on night buses though!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:11, Reply)

It was hilarious
I'm sure we can practice in Oxford
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:13, Reply)

I got out and was sad I didn't say goodbye

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:20, Reply)

Haha I'm sure it did
you poor thing, surrounded by drunks
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:12, Reply)

Damn my greed :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:19, Reply)

2 please Cavern Master.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:08, Reply)

2 please of course

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:11, Reply)

oh good
I was in no way at all hoping you all picked that option
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:12, Reply)

Oh. In that case....
*Goes to edit*

I'm pulling your leg.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:19, Reply)

"I think however that the most likely option is the great Cock Shaped Mansion of the B3topia Mayor"
The group agreed that as this was just round the corner this was probably the best option and bidding farewell to Lusty they once again set off.

A deep rumbling shook the land and again the nauseous smell washed over them. "Monty is going to have a lot of custom tomorrow" said Wooks removing a chunk from his pocket

As they rounded the corner the majestic magenta building rose up out of the land, it's top glistening in the rising sun. The path to the mansion was lined with great daleks, which towered over the group, Lampers noticed one of Jeff's poodles reliving itself on one but decided not to mention it.

Knocking at the door, it slowly opened to reveal a long corridor with rooms leading off on both sides and at the end of the corridor was a spiral staircase which disappeared up into the heights of the building.

"Hello?" called Lab, his chins quivering with excitement and fear as he caught a whiff of another smell, a tasty rich inviting smell.

"Come on up!" said a voice that drifted down from one of the upper floors. The group ascended the staircase, looking at the pictures that hung on the wall showing some of the most memorable moments in B3topian history.

Al winning the pie eating contest, BK buying non alcoholic beer, Light in Chains with a cock on his neck, Bert being arrested, the fabled Honda Civic, hundreds of B3toians and their model girlfriends and Edmund proudly standing next to his fighter jet at the North Pole.

"So much history" mused Amberl "it's really quite a fantastic place to be"
"And you haven't even seen the Nork Gallery yet" laughed the Mayor, his splendid velvet coat billowing out behind him as he came to meet his guests. "What brings you to my humble abode?"

They group relayed the tale of ruined marshmallows, rapey monsters and fat b3tans, and how their search for the cause of the terrible smell had led them there.

"ah" said the Mayor embarrassed. "That'll be the wife. I knew we shouldn't have had Mexican last night"

THE END
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:32, Reply)

FANTASTIC.
Your finest hour.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:34, Reply)

I love this
especially the pictures. I also love how your sig tallies with the end
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:37, Reply)

hah I just noticed that
Thanks :) it was a surprising amount of fun and a big round of applause to my fine b3tan muses
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:38, Reply)

I hope you'll be avoiding work tomorrow and thinking about how you can exend the story.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:40, Reply)

haha
I shall be sleeping at work I think
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:41, Reply)

You got all the best in

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:40, Reply)

Have you see WR yet?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:49, Reply)

I have
The new pastoral care woman is a cow. What is wrong with her?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:50, Reply)

Ambition is my guess.
Also, I can see the Spanish teacher getting it on what what's-his-name the pupil.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:56, Reply)

Yeah
but surely they've already played the pupil/teacher scenario this season.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:08, Reply)

Maybe it'll be him not wanting to know
And her wanting to get it on?

We'll find out over the next few weeks! :))
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:14, Reply)

Sadly yes I am looking forward to it haha

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 2:25, Reply)

-riotous applause-
I saw the end coming, must admit, but there's no finer tribute to the woman.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:49, Reply)

Obvious ending is obvious
In all fairness I didn't expect it to turn into five instalments but I'm glad you all enjoyed :)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:51, Reply)

I'm still laughing.
EDIT: and I've 'liked' every bit of it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 1:57, Reply)