Good story
I agree with everything Che has said.

You can cut out loads of words by not 'telling' us thing - like 'I saw' and so on. Instead, 'show' us them....put us in your head and that way we see the action through your eyes.

I'd also add that if you want to build up tension - I'm thinking of the bit where she changes from beautiful to horrific - short quick sentences can do that.

Don't forget to use all five senses too - tell us what things looked like, yes, but also all the other senses so we really feel like we're there.

Oh, and one last thing...if you feel at the moment you couldn't possibly cut any of it out, then save it in a folder and leave it for a little while - days, weeks, or if necessary, months. Then get it out when you've got enough distance from it...it'll be far easier to redraft then.

And once you've done that, consider submitting it to somewhere like www.eastoftheweb.com - it's a very highly regarded short story site and I personally know of at least one writer who was picked up by an agent because of the site...she's onto her third novel now and has a PhD in creative writing under her belt.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:10, Reply)