I've actually quite enjoyed writing it.
It had been a slow build up from the time the meeting was agreed. Each day was a little harder to get through than the last, each moment her usual calm demeanour was chipped away until she was sure people would notice. Could they be so blind to her ceaseless fidgeting and lack of concentration. It seemed they could, as nothing was intimated and no one took her aside to ask what was wrong.

When she woke up the last morning, the full force of the fear enveloped her and held her rigid in bed for several seconds. It was like her body was not her own and for a moment it wasn't, it belonged to the fear and would have kept her there all day if she had not fought it. Eventually she managed to regain control and lifted herself off the bed. She washed and dressed but with no usual motivation or desire to be on her way. Each movement seemed stilted and hard work, but after a coffee and several deep breaths she felt almost safe enough to attempt the drive along the motorway and to her fate.

Once the car had started and the journey was under way, her concentration on driving managed to help regain some semblance of composure and she almost felt normal again. It would take 20 minutes to get there as long as the traffic wasn't too busy and she had allowed herself plenty of time for the journey and for any unforeseen problems. As her mind wandered, it struck her again how crazy and foolish she was behaving and maybe it wasn't too late to back out and return home. Of course it was too late, the deal was struck, promises given and it would have been unforgiving and brutal to just not turn up as planned.

She remembered the first conversations with him and how it had quickly developed into something much more serious and frantic. Again the fear grew inside her like an expanding ball of light until it reached out to the tips of her fingers and toes. She wanted to stop the car and to get out but she was worried that she might never be able to get back in and carry on. Once again she took several deep breaths, gripping the steering wheel tightly and drove on. Eventually the signs for her destination appeared and she followed them blindly until the car park was in sight. There was at least an hour before he was to show up, so after parking she make her way to the nearest restaurant for more coffee. Her stomach growled as she smelled the aromas of cooking breakfasts behind the kitchen doors, she hadn't been able to eat all morning and there was no way she would be able to for now.

Sat down and without the distraction of driving the fear took hold a third time and now it wasn't about to be shook off as easily as before. She felt light-headed and sick so she quickly made her way to the ladies room and entered the cubicle. The fear then released it's full force and her heart began to beat through her chest. Oh God oh God, what am I doing here, she thought. A thousand what-ifs flew around her thoughts. She could almost feel the little flashes in her brain as each synaptic connection triggered another. She wanted time to stand still, the earth to cease spinning, the ground to swallow her up and every other stupid phrase that meant she wouldn't have to do anything from that moment on. All bets would be off and all promises null and void.

She looked at her watch and knew it was time to gather up all the strength she had to get up and leave the safety of the cubicle. There were a few people waiting around the arrival gates, less than she had imagined but enough to make her feel hidden in the crowd. She knew the pallor of her skin would be very pale and that the fear would be showing to anyone who cared to take a closer look into her eyes. It was no good, she had to sit down again and as she did people started to come through the arrival gates. One or two at first and then three or four, a steady trickle of travellers with darting eyes looking for relatives or friends or even just for the way out of the building.

As each person appeared, her stomach lurched like a contraction and her chances of escape dwindled. She tried to tear her eyes away from the arrival gate so she could distract herself by watching the people around her but it was impossible. To be taken by surprise by him, a pat on the shoulder or a whispered greeting would have been fatal in her desire to keep her composure. Then she saw him several feel away, his head peeking around an old couple. He hadn't seen her as yet and before she knew what she was doing, she had stood up and shouted his name. He turned towards her and smiled and the fear just disappeared like a bubble popping. It left no bitter after-taste and no hint of it ever having been there, just a memory of a few hours when she had not quite been herself.
( girlinthehole, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 8:31, Reply)