OK… bit of a long one, this (arf, etc).
With apologies to Billy Conolly.

Jimmy was a Celtic supporter, and looked forward to games against Rangers with relish. However, on a trip to see his beloved team play Celtic at Ibrox, an unfortunate (and, frankly highly unlikely) mix up with his ticket saw him in the stands with the Rangers fans.

“Ah’d best keep masel’ tae masel’”, he thought. This despite the fact that the green and white scarf and Celtic top were a bit of a giveaway.

20 minutes into the first half and Celtic scored. Despite his delight, inwardly Jimmy groaned, hoping for the first time in his life that Rangers equalised, and pretty damned quickly. Five minutes later, Celtic scored again, and Jimmy could feel his insides turn to liquid. Then one of the Rangers fans turned around, looked him coldly in the eye, and demanded “Hey, yoo. Go an’ get me a cup of Bovril, noo. And leave your shoe, so ye’ll no’ run awa’, eh?”

Jimmy slipped his right shoe off, and trudged off to get a cup of Bovril. Five minutes later, he returned to the stands and handed the cup over. “Cheers, pal. Ye can ha’e ya shoe back”. And one shoe was duly handed back.

With a steaming turd curled neatly inside. “Put it on, then”, the Rangers fan ‘encouraged’. Grimacing, Jimmy did as he was told, and stood there squelching and steaming. Could this day get any worse?

Yep. 3 – nil to Celtic now, and he could see all his mates going ballistic at the other end of the pitch. He closed his eyes, and swallowed.

“My turn,” came a voice, and as he opened his eyes again was face to face with another Rangers supporter. “Go an’ get me a cup of Bovril, noo. And leave your other shoe, so ye’ll no’ run away, eh?”

Again, on his return, he was presented with his other shoe, and again, it was filled with a turd of monumental proportions.

Finally the full time whistle blew, and he squelched and minged out of the stadium and began the lonely walk home. As he rounded a corner, he was confronted with a TV crew from the BBC. “Excuse me, would you mind coming and saying few words for the camera on the subject of football violence”?

“Aye, too bloody right Ah will”, fumed Jimmy. “Fitba’ violence, ye say? I’ll tell ye’s aboot fitba’ violence. In my opinion, fitba’ violence in this country will never end. Never. Not sae lang as they keep shittin’ in oor shoes, and we keep pissin’ in their Bovril!”
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 16:58, Reply)