#1 Draft
“That’s the last time I’m having a fancy dress hen party Zeb.”

“Yeah, I agree. The next one should be formal. White tie, prom dresses, the lot. I’d look good in a prom dress, I’ve got the figure for it but I think my beard would have to go for me to carry it off.”

“Has your phone got any charge or credit left? Mine’s flat. And have you got any idea where the fuck we are?”

“Max, calm down, my phone is fully charged and I’ll have us back in London before teatime. They’ll be able to put the flag back up at Buck House then.”

“Oh. Ha. Ha. Ha. At least dressed as the Queen I only look like an O.A.P. with a crown and not an extra from an S & M film. When did you take the nipple clamps off?”

“I don’t remember. I think maybe I put them on that cute barman in the last place we were in.”

“It’s raining now. Come on we’d better find that Travelodge you booked.”

“No. You booked it. Shit. We’re not booked in anywhere are we? Stuck in fucking Scarborough the week of some political party conference and no room for the night. I know, we’ll go and find that cute barman – it might cost us a blow job or more if I’m lucky.”

“Us? Us? I’m not giving some stranger a blow job! I’m engaged! I’m nearly married. I’m not going to be unfaithful. You’re the one that got us into this mess. You’d better get us out. Ring one of the others – maybe we can kip on the floor of their Travelodge rooms.”

“Yeah. Maybe. I’d like to find the barman first. We were having a really interesting conversation.”

“About football or man bags? Or….I know! Your other favourite topic of conversation – the entire Harry Potter series! Were you discussing Fanfic? I bet you were talking about the clear homoerotic overtones of Harry and whatshisname the ginger one played by Rupert or Robert Grint.”

“Ron Weasley”

“That’s it. My feet ache. Please phone someone. I want to go to bed. I want to take off this sensible twin set and pearls. I want to stop looking like the bloody Queen. You’re the only bloody queen around here. Let me go to bed.”
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:19, Reply)