Thanks lucy
*accepts hugs*

Hopefully the meds should start having a more noticeable effect soon as I've been on it for, oh god trying to remember when I started is hard, erm, about 2.5 weeks.

I'm also going to a sort of assessment thing with a charity that do Computer CBT to check whether CBT is right for me before starting that. It's supposed to be very good so hopefully that'll help too.

I'm not really sure I want to go back to uni. I think it's just one of the ideas in the mixing pot of possible ways of defining my life. From a very young age I've always been told about how smart I was, how I'd go on to do great things etc. and when I was young I interpreted that using what I consider to be great things, achieving something amazing like Einstein or Roger Bannister or Marie Curie, rather than what I'm certain they really meant - going to uni, getting a good degree, earning lots of money and having a very comfortable life.

So I'm now stuck with the idea that I can do something amazing and believe strongly that if I have this gift I should be doing everything I can to make the most of it and make a difference. The problem is I've no idea whether it's just the way I feel because of miss interpreted praise received as a child or whether it's something I could genuinely do.

Unfortunately for several years I've just been letting my mind rot and underachieved somewhat during my SATs and massively during my GCSEs and A-levels before dropping out of uni twice.

My gut instinct tells me that yes I can do something great; becoming the next Einstein is obviously far fetched but I could do something very meaningful and worthwhile. Hell, being one of the top in my class when doing chemistry at uni, getting 90+ % on essays that were written in one night and doing so even after having let my mind "rot", spending next to no time working outside of class and dealing with some horrible episodes of depression and mania must all count for something.

Perhaps for now I should concentrate on trying to sharpen my mind back up while I wait for meds and therapies to help control my mood swings and purge some of the ambivalence, distress and impatience from my mind and THEN consider going back to uni to try and achieve something great. The more I think about it the more I feel it's something I AM capable of even doing something meaningful I just need to deal with my demons first.

I'm not going to proof read this as it'll drive me mad(der) trying to get all the grammar right and structuring the sentences nicely.

I also apologise for the dramatic rambling. The thought processes behind typing it have helped quite a lot and I feel like posting it now that I've typed it all
( Captain V, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 13:05, Reply)