Advice please sensible b3tans (and Bert)
I've got a meeting with Barclays on Monday about opening a Current Account. Yes, I've managed to get by for the past five years without one, but now I want one so I can be all grown up and get Direct Debits and things.

I've been fucking awful with money over the past ten years, although I've managed to not take on any new debt for a couple of years now.

Despite trying a few times for a current account, I always get the same negative response, for the above reason, which is fair enough. But now, when I really need one, I want to make sure I do the best possible job in the upcoming meeting.

So, any advice on how to impress a personal account manager would be greatly appreciated.

And no, I'm not gonna suck him off.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:08, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Have you resloved your dept problems?
Ring up some credit reference agencies and get a copy of your credit report. Don't ask for a credit card or overdraft or anything.

Or just try to bribe him.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:11, Reply)

@ No3L
Have you had any debts you've been paying off long-term?

I finally got another current account after 5 years of being pretty much blacklisted as I could demonstrate that all my debts had been consolidated and I hadn't missed any payments for around 2 1/2 years.

Ask if it's possible to have one without an overdraft buffer as well, that way you won't be going into the red.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:12, Reply)

I'm not looking for any fancy services like chequebooks, overdrafts or debit cards
just an account I can pay my wages into and have Direct Debits so I can get a phone line and have proper internet instead of using my mobile phone.

My debts aren't paid off - far too poor currently to even think about that. The older debts are more than five years ago.

I'm also having a meeting with their business manager to talk about opening a charity account, which is potentially thousands of pounds a year through their books, which might help but not sure.

I'm not blind to the fact I have messed up but to have something as simple as broadband I need a current account. Simple as that.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:21, Reply)

I have no advice
but shitsticks.

Best of luck!

And I guess if that fails you can always file for Bankruptcy. My friend did this a few years ago and now everything worked out. Not entirely sure what's involved in that though..
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:25, Reply)

Yeah, come close a couple of times
Just starting a charity so probably not the best time :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:30, Reply)

similar situation as you with the debt thing,
I've got a business account with Barclay's
with this I get a Visa Debit card + Cheque book.

Would they give me a personal account? would they balls!

It could have something to do with the £18.90 I pay them every month for the privilege of having the account.

So my advice is go somewhere else (Natwest sorted me out) or set up a business.


(Kip, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:36, Reply)

Hmmm.
Worth a thought. I'll be applying for a charity account as mentioned, and the broadband probably comes under expenses for that - it's the main reason I want the connection in the first place.

You might just have cracked it there :)

More advice welcome of course!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:39, Reply)

Have you....
....applied for a bank account via Smile? There's no bank manager to impress and it's all done over the internet.

I think that would be easier.

Plus, Smile is a really good bank, I use them.

Whatever your decision, good luck on Monday.
(The Stig, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:47, Reply)

All current account applications
are weighted against your credit score. So, chances are if one says no, all of them will.

I haven't tried smile for a few years, might try again.

But I think I'm better off trying to convince someone to take a chance on me.

*takeachancetakeachancetakeachance*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 13:55, Reply)

As I got a special mention in your post
I'm going to give you a special bit of advice;

The branch manager has absolutely no power whatsoever, your credit rating has been determined long before you step into his office. If your credit rating is really dire I don't think they can refuse to give you an account, but they may just offer you a cashcard account or something equally as gay.

If however, this is not good enough, you will need to inflitrate Barclays bank. Dress yourself as a posh city boy, wear a pinstripe suit and a tie with a knot in it that's bigger than your head. Next, go to the Barclays bank HQ, I believe the address is:

Barclays Bank
London

Here you will need to befriend ALL of the Ruperts, sleep your way to the top, set up a gigantic loan for yourself, buy an Audi A4, give people lots of money, and then when the stock market crashes, blame somebody else and run away to live in Haiti.

Merry Christmas.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:00, Reply)

Thanks Bert
I knew I could count on you to give me sensible advice, then disappear off into a fantastical monologue :)

Edit: I already have a cashcard account with another bank. Fat lot of fucking good it is.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:02, Reply)

Me too, No3l, me too
fucking stupid gay banks giving me a fucking stupid gay credit rating just because I never pay them back any of the money they give me cunts.

I said MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, NO3L YOU FUCKING CUNTING JEW FUCK
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:05, Reply)

Right back atcha microcock.
Right back atcha.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:13, Reply)

Si-oh-lent night
Ho-oh-ly night,
All is calm,
All is bright,
Come now spaff upon virgin and child,
Slee-he-ee-ep in heavenly piss..


SLEE-HEE-HEEP IN HEAVENLY PISS.

I've gone all peculiar, I shouldn't have had that battered sausage for lunch.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:15, Reply)

I'll batter your...
No, wait. I must restrain myself. I'm looking for financial advice here.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:18, Reply)

I think you've had about all
the financial advice you're going to get.

Now come here and lay waste to my Masculewurst, pig-dog!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:22, Reply)

I second Smile
I have banked with them for about 7 years now and they have always been fantastic. IIRC I opened my account with them with a £500 overdraft that I transferred over from another current account.
You can do everything online but if you want to do over the counter stuff then you can at the Co-op.
Also have you tried Nationwide? I have my mortgage with them and when I couldn't meet the payments for a while they were so helpful.

I have about 5 current accounts. I don't use some of them. Would you like one of mine?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:28, Reply)

That would solve many of my problems
Mrs Bin. Not sure about the logistics of the gesture, but thanks :)

Not you Bert, I think that's likely to create more problems than it solves.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:34, Reply)

I can heartily recommend
First Direct.

They've always been ultra-helpful with me, even ringing me up on one occasion to tell me that I'd breached my overdraft limit (because I'd ballsed up some payment dates), but they were going to waive any charges for going overdrawn because they could see I was going to get paid in a couple of days.

I think the only caveat is that you need to pay in a certain amount per month - think it's about £1,500, otherwise they charge you a tenner a month for the account.

However, their parent bank, HSBC can suck donkey cock.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:39, Reply)

If they want fifteen hundred a month
they ain't gonna be interested in me :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 14:43, Reply)

However
Smile say that they want £1000 a month and they've never had that from me.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:17, Reply)

Banks are easy to please
1. Dont take the piss. Tell them what youre going to do before you do it. If you keep "accidentally" going overdrawn, they will take you to the cleaners. Keep in touch, be a good boy and they'll be fine.

2. 1 is enough.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 15:56, Reply)

coke
I've gotta get an account first :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 16:27, Reply)

I think I might be able to help you with this
Co-operative Bank have something called a cashminder account, chances are Barclays will have something similar. I can do direct debits with mine and have a Visa Electron card, and my wages are paid in directly. Works a treat for me. And being able to pay your rent via online banking is an absolute godsend. I do believe this is what you are looking for, or something very similar:

www.personal.barclays.co.uk/BRC1/jsp/brccontrol?task=articlesocial&value=3315&site=pfs

This is what I have: www.co-operativebank.co.uk/servlet/Satellite/1193206368743,CFSweb/Page/Bank-CurrentAccounts

Well worth a look I think. Good luck either way, mind you.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 18:46, Reply)

Looks like the ticket.
If they say no to the standard current account maybe they'll stretch to letting me have one of these.

Ace. Cheers!

On reflection, looks like what I've already got at another bank but with Direct Debits allowed. Perfect!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 19:00, Reply)