*deep sigh*
Much resonates here.

I'm in a vicious circle:

I live on my own. I've run out of people to ask for help.
I am on a low wage, which will go up slightly when I finish my training.
I have a house that needs half it's contents throwing away and repairs and redecorating all through.
My job is exhausting, we are understaffed and are currently undergoing stressful changes and are in a state of flux.
I have enormous debt which I have no hope of paying off and I need to go bankrupt. Courts won't let you go bankrupt unless you can afford it (not as daft as it sounds, they want to make sure you won't get straight back into debt again).

I work hard for not enough money. I earn less than anyone else there and I do the same work.
I am supposed to train on the job but nobody knows what they are doing any more because of the changes taking place.
I am too tired to study at home.
I need to qualify so I can have enough money to live.
I can't even begin to address my home while I am this exhausted, and repairs and decorating take money I haven't got...
Living in this shithole is demoralising me.
Having so much debt is demoralising me.

Being demoralised is making me feel exhausted... I'm too tired to study...I'm too poor not to... I'm feeling the pressure, whichmeans I'm not enjoying anything... which is demoralising me...

I feel utterly trapped.

And my fella is moving to Ireland. And I've been agonising over it... Part of me wants to to go with him because it would be amazing. The other part of me wants to stick it out here until I've achieved my personal goals...
I would have to sort my house out first anyway because I can't leave it like this, and I would need to be able to afford to go bankrupt.

Besides, he hasn't actually invited me. We've talked about it but he says he thinks I have stuff to sort out here first. No shit.

I don't want him to go, and that makes me a selfish bitch.

And more than anything I am scared that me being so depressed and needy is scaring him away and he'll forget all about me wheh he gets to Ireland...

Fucksocks.

Sorry. It all just came out.

Also I just wanted to say, Elvis - that's a rough position to be in. It truly sucks. I had a suicidal friend... I have no answers, just empathy. We're only responsible for ourselves, remember that.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 23:23, Reply)