Woo!
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please
you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the
cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager is
naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a
top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he
Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit
box you get crap on your bell end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you
got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number
"Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't
care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says
the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title
of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar
relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he
winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and
whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your
trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the
pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I fucking wrote it!!!'
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:07, Reply)