I woke up on Saturday morning to a loud barking in the garden, and I was filled with hope!
I ran down the stairs, not bothering to get dressed in my excited haste, and flung the back door open.
He'd come back!

It was then that the smell hit me. It was like a thousand skunks had shit themselves to death at the same time. It left me off balance like a punch in the nose. Pure, awful putrescence.

He'd rolled in something. Hell only knows what it was, but I knew that he needed cleaning up.

I grabbed him and took him into the shower, washing him until the smell stopped trying to dissolve my eyes.
I didn't want to use a clean towel on him, so I grabbed a dirty one from the bathroom floor.

Then it happened.

I felt claws on my back. Then Something forcing itself inside me. Then blinding white agony.

I leapt to my feet, but the damn dog was still on my back. This was not gonna end well.
I panicked, and tried to tear it out of me. The pain only got worse.

I managed to stumble to the phone. I got as far as "99" before I stopped. Who the fuck was I gonna ask for? The police wouldn't help, surely? The fire brigade are more used to getting cats out of trees than dogs out of rectums. And I knew what the paramedics would say... "Yeah... Sure, you were just bending over, and your dog "fell" onto you."

The vets? Worth a shot. I dialed.

It rang.

The first guy who answered was no good. He was convinced that I was joking.
I got more and more upset and worried, the weight of the dog was getting harder to hold, and the pain... The pain was terrible.

He put me through to one of the vets, who told me that the dog had "engaged it's mating tie", and wouldn't let go "until it had finished".

I hung up.
I cried for the forty minutes it took.

Then I took that dog-bastard to get the snip this morning. Never again.
I swear he keeps winking at me.
( Cawl, Tue 5 May 2009, 15:27, Reply)