Sorry, my heart belongs to JeffTheDogFucker.
I do, however, have an injured hand. What do you suggest I do to remedy this?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

*Adopts "doctor" mode*
I'd suggest the services of a virile army "medic", who will manipulate the injury in the style of a polar bear playing on an X-Box. Then sell your story to the press in the hope of being paid enough to have a bionic hand grafted on instead.

The benefit of bionic hands is that there is no feeling in them, therefore, when you're having a wank it feels like someone else is doing it.

That will be £50 please. For my wedding fund, you understand.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:03, Reply)

Bionic hand it is.
Cheers doc!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:13, Reply)

All part of the service.
By the way, each consultation enters you into a free draw. The prize is your very own fighter jet and an all expenses paid trip to the arctic region of your choice.
(Craig Colclough I've been on the telly you know. And in the papers, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 22:14, Reply)